So.. Here I am again…
Back at square one.
Over a year ago we embarked on our first attempt at IVF. Over a year later we are still here fighting that losing battle, still childless, still not pregnant, broken hearted but with so much love in our lives for a precious baby. Over 4 years ago we decided to try for a family, over 4 years later we are still trying!
This quote is so true ⬇️. Since starting I am a changed woman, I have had my dignity taken away a long time ago, I’ve felt all those emotions, I’ve gained 11kg, and I’ve had many a broken dream. I feel like there is no end in sight…
After taking a break of 8 weeks from treatment we decided to jump back on the IVF band wagon and transfer our final 2 precious embryos at the end of October. This time I told 4 people I was transferring. So many people ride this journey and when I have too keep telling people 1 by 1 I’m a failure it hurts. My Mum and Dads hearts are breaking, my family get invested in this as do Maxs. So we decided against telling everyone… Until now…
Our last 2 from this cycle, our second full cycle. One embryo was classified as a good strong embryo the other was lagging behind a bit but still able to be transferred, so both were. Like all cycles we again start with waiting for your menstrual cycle to start so then you can start having bloods, scans, internals to check your lining etc… All waiting for the middle of your cycle when you surge ovulate and then get transferred 5 days later. This cycle was all natural, minus that I had too inject myself with 3 injections of Pregnyl in the hope it was going to “trick my body into believing I was pregnant”.
Pregnyl gave me symptoms of feeling pregnant- Sore breasts, a yuck taste in my mouth, feeling a little nauseated in the morning, cramps, always going to the toilet, you name it I think I had it. Pregnyl releases the HCG hormone into your blood so trying to test early on a home pregnancy test will most times give you a false-positive. Two days prior to transfer I had my first injection and felt faint pretty much straight away.. Two days later I was back at the clinic having my two precious “embabies put on board” and then you become PUPO (pregnant until prove otherwise). I even wore my lucky socks!
You always leave the clinic feeling good, feeling pregnant.
You wish the days away and live in hope that you don’t see blood and each day that passes that you don’t is a true blessing. The dreaded two week wait. It’s a head case, a heart break and your whole focus. The worst part of the fertility journey.
You go home and pray and beg that those embryos that are loved so much already will snuggle into your uterus and get cosy for the next 9 months.
My heart races and my body is excited… Even if it’s just for 2 weeks- I’m pregnant.
After transfer I did everything I could too again maximise my chances of carrying these embryos to full term- keeping my feet warm with socks, only drinking room temperature drinks, not overheating my body temperature, relaxing, I even layed with my legs elevated so they “wouldn’t fall out”, pineapple juice, pomegranate juice, you name it…. Again we tried it!
I felt good- I got the odd twinge, cramp, tugging, dull ache and everything you feel in a normal pregnancy yet most people wouldn’t know they are pregnant because they don’t concentrate on their body like someone going through fertility treatment. My body and I have become best friends. Feelings I never really worried about before, too me now mean a lot. I know where I am in my cycles and I know by how I’m feeling inside what will happen next.
Today I am 10dp5dt. All of this lingo is now my second language. Infertility has its own language, it’s own abbreviations and only if you have been down this road would you understand what other people are talking about on Imstagram posts and Facebook private groups. It basically means I am 10 days post a 5 day blastocyst transfer. Tomorrow I am due for my BETA or my blood test to confirm a pregnancy or not.
Tomorrow I do not need confirmation, I have that already. My body has yet again let me down! I can’t bear to hear those words… “I’m so sorry Sam”… Those twinges and cramps I felt yesterday, today I hate! I hate today!
My heart breaks, my eyes welling with tears, our bank balance rapidly decreasing, my mind unsure of where too from here, my body not sure how much more it can take and my whole being second guessing itself about parenthood and will I ever be able to have a child?
All excitement and hope I had is very quickly vanished… We are back at square one…
2 failed full cycles, 5 transfers, none left for this cycle so my only option left is too complete another full cycle of IVF. More injections, more hormones, more heartache…. Why me? Why us?
Last night I went to sleep praying and hoping, tonight I go to sleep with no hope and an empty heart.
Last night I lay awake in bed dreaming of how too tell people, how my nurse would tell me, how I would skip into Maxs office so excited after the phone call and tell him, I thought for a brief second about a nursery, holidays together, birth, just being pregnant….
This year there will AGAIN be no pregnancy announcement, no chance for my family to be excited, no forms being handed into work for maternity leave, no scans, no ultrasounds to hear a heart beat, no love to be given to a baby we so desperately long for.. Nothing!
I hate going to the toilet to see the evidence of a failed cycle and it thrown in your face that this attempt just isn’t going too be! AGAIN. That no matter how much emotion you invest it’s just not your time.
Infertility is a bitch! It’s nasty.
An emotional, mental, physical, financial roller coaster. Those that know me know I hate going on rides (I’m the bag lady), so too be riding this roller coaster of infertility for 4 years is just so unfair. It’s absolute cruelty.
My next step and as much as I am so scared is a laparoscopy. I have had all the tests available too women without an operation (all coming back normal) so now I have no say in the matter and they need to investigate and look inside. A laparoscopy will hopefully determine why it just isnt working.
In a way I am scared for this operation of what it could show, the reason why my body is failing me. I’m honestly scared of the truth and the future.
Max and I continue this journey… It.Is.Not.Over.Yet!
We enjoy Christmas and New Year surrounded by friends and family in Sydney before we start again in the New Year on another full round of treatment in the hope cycle 3 will be our lucky cycle!
I’m so lucky to have Max. IVF can break a relationship and I can see how. We are lucky for us it has brought us closer. He is my pillar of strength in my darkest days when I feel like I can’t go on. My super hero. We never fight, just cry together. Max feels the hurt just like I do. It’s OUR dream. I am so very thankful each and every single day that I have him by my side.
Our specialist again I praise… He will not give up on us a long as we don’t give up! We admire and respect him so much. He has thrown everything at me and never given up hope.
Hope is what keeps us all together… Hope is what makes us endure this brutality and havoc fertility treatment causes you and your body… Hope is that one day we hold a baby, our baby… Hope!
We wish you all a very blessed Christmas and New Year, THANKYOU for following our journey, for all your support and for sending nice messages too both of us. It means a lot.
2017 we “hope” will be our year for a baby….