Dear my future self…

As I sit here writing I know right now how hard it is.. 2 full stimmed cycles down, 5 embryo transfers, a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy D & C, tubal patency tests done, countless injections, blood tests, internal investigations, taking medications, countless appointments and here I sit at the end of 2016 with still no baby to hold and who knows what the future has in store for us.

So here goes… A letter I can hopefully one day read out loud and realise how much I have put myself and my body through emotionally, physically & mentally but look down in my arms holding my perfect scientific baby and realising how lucky I truly am.

Dear me,

I know how hard this journey has been for you. You’ve cried countless tears, been through dozens of boxes of tissues, spent a lot of money on tests and operations, and lets not forget those home pregnancy tests, you’ve injected your self with so many hormones, you’ve lived the highest of highs which quickly turn to the lowest of lows, and you’ve tested your self to the absolute maximum.

At times I know you’ve felt like punching people that say- “just relax, it will happen naturally”. For us it won’t. We tried. 4 years of just relaxing!

I know you’ve hurt a lot. 

You’ve felt excluded from things and like a lepor who has a contagious disease. I know you’ve felt like people don’t like to share with you when they are pregnant & don’t like to ask you to join in events when it’s for children, just in case it hurts you. I know this may be you imaging things but at this time I felt it was real.

I know your sick of Drs. You’ve had someone look inside you at least once a month with your legs spread in stirrups, all your dignity quickly taken away from you. You’ve had so many nurses, theatre orderlies, anaesthetists, embryologist and people see you naked, taken care of your paralysed body so your specialist can work his magic and make your uterus healthy for a baby. But it’s ok…. Your an anaesthetic nurse so you feel people’s vulnerability. You know right now that it is the right thing to do.

You have seen so many women walking down the street pregnant and thought why me? Why can’t I be pregnant? Why us? Who chose this path for me? Yet still smiled, waved and wished them luck. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing.

You’ve seen a lot of the same women going through your clinic who cycle the same time as you and are still on this horrible journey and you’ve also seen those that started with you, now pregnant. This is amazing. These are the women I respect and admire, you know what they have been through and fought for and got their dream.

I know right now you hate your body. You hate so much what you see every time you pass a mirror. Those clothes you once fit into no longer do and you feel fat and ugly. You’ve gained 11kg since starting this journey and while people tell you that you look good you certainly don’t feel it. Just hang in there, one day your weight gain will be the best life change. Those hormones you keep pumping in will all be worth it. That dress size you’ve gone up is for your dream. You’ve got the scars and wounds to prove it and the stretch marks.

I know when you started this journey you weren’t still expecting to be here. 5 years later and still trying! You feel like your whole body is continually letting you down. You feel like a complete and utter failure. You like to win but this fertility journey is beating you. Don’t give up.

The journey you started you didn’t realise that you could have travelled the world first class with your husband to see many sites and do touristy things would lead you down a completely different path. The thousands and thousands of dollars you’ve spent will all be forgotten when you have a little child to take on holidays with you.

You have had countless injections of hormones, you’ve deposited suppositories into your private area and felt degraded but hey it’s all in the hope of the future baby. Please don’t give up.

You have tested your relationship to its absolute maximum. You feel like a completely different person to how you were 5 years ago- before this journey started. But feel lucky you have an absolute gem of a husband and a supportive network of people around you. Some people don’t have that! 

Your life has changed so much. You know everything about your cycle, ovulation, every twinge, cramp or pain and you know what it may be from. I know your diary is full of IVF cycle information so you can relay this to your specialist so you know when to start your treatments. Your life is IVF right now!  IVF sucks the life out of you!

I know it’s hard to see online people posting what they may think is a joke but to others it can hurt. You just recently saw trending a picture of a scan and a baby… it eventually goes on to say they don’t know who the parents are etc… after trying to trick the reader into believing the person posting was pregnant. I know later on it will be funny but right now it hurts. You would love to be posting that photo and you see pregnancy not as a joke but your whole life and wellbeing. You read a lot of people online whinge about what to you is going to forever be precious because of how hard it was to come by. Something that when you were younger you took for granted.

I know you don’t understand how over years your body can change so much when it comes to being pregnant. You’ve been there. Yet now it’s not happening! Just leave it to the fertility Dr and the Gods. This was your journey.

I know right now how much it can affect you when walking past a baby section in a store, mostly dependant on where your up to in your cycle. You think your crazy but your not. You often think about what you would buy and what names they would have and what they may look like. You often ask yourself over and over ” will it ever happen” ” when will my time come”.

You know just about all the IVF terminology there is out there and you are becoming more knowledgeable with fertility. You now realise you should have listened more at University. You are involved in IVF and TTC communities where you ask lots of questions and you help so many other women who are just starting. Keep this up, knowledge is power.

You have your obstetrician picked out, your hospital you will birth in and ideas of a nursery.

I know right now your thoughts seem so far out of reach but please never give up.

I know how much you want this.

You deserve this.

Your thoughts are not bad, weird, abnormal or silly. 

Your time will come. I have faith.

I know you pray every single night. Keep this up.

I know you are trying to do the right things when your doing your cycles by not drinking, eating correctly, keeping warm, Accupuncture, taking copious amount of vitamins and relaxing. Keep doing this it can’t harm you.

I know your heart yearns to hear a baby cry in your nursery. 

And lastly right now I respect the determined, strong, dedicated Woman you are. You amaze me every single day. You never realised you had it in you to just keep going. You thought about giving up so many times but so far you haven’t. You know it will all be worth it soon.

Love always

Sam

Xxxxx

Never give up the fight.

Continue on this brutal journey.

Everything you feel now will all be worth it.

Your baby, your precious baby is waiting. Your miracle. Your scientific baby. Your rainbow. GO GET IT!

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