Infertility and ME

As this week the 23-29th April marks Infertility awareness week, I thought I would write a blog (as I do) and talk about the effect that infertility has had on me!

I am 1 in 6.

1 in 6 Women suffer from infertility! I fit that category. 7.4 Million Americans suffer from infertility, and I bet someone you know, someone like me, does.

840 days ago… Yes you read correct. 840 days ago Max and I embarked on this journey after years of failed natural conception. 840 days later I am still here on this horrid journey.

Approxomitaley $80 + thousand dollars spent, and still no baby.

10kg heavier, and still no baby.

3 stim cycles, 39 eggs collected, 15 embryo’s created, 9 transfers, and still no baby!

This is my life!

As you can see my life sux!

Take a minute to think about what you have or would have done over the past 840 days, and with $80,000? I know what I have done for 840 days and that is thought about a baby. I know what I would have done with $80,000 and that is travel the world or buy a yacht or buy a Range Rover or do anything but inject myself daily with hormones.

This journey has changed me in so many ways. I’m not going to lie but since my last cycle that ended in a miscarriage just over 4 weeks ago I have been hurting, I have been struggling. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I never get sad, down and depressed. But I have been. I’ve never let this journey over take my whole body and consume all my thoughts, but I have been lately. It’s been hard, very very hard. 

I look in the mirror and I absolutely hate what is staring back at me. I often wonder who is this person? Where is my smile, where is my skinny face gone, where is the sparkle in my eye? I change my clothes at least 5 times before I leave the house because I look fat and I feel fat. My tummy is always constantly bloated. I look pregnant when I’m not. 

Getting up and out of the house is tough. Seeing pregnant women around me is even tougher. 

I’ve tried everything possible for this to work. Pineapple cores, socks, pomegranate juice, nuts, warm water, medications, Accupuncture,… the list goes on… And still nothing….


IVF has taken away my confidence. I was always so happy, chilled, relaxed. I am no longer that person. I’m confused, stressed, anxious and emotional.

I have hidden away from the world and shut out a lot of people. I don’t mean to do this, I just can’t handle certain things at the moment.

The last 840 days I have lived through highs, lows, grief, denial, acceptance, bravery, and I’ve dreamed. You dream of something you want so bad, the reason you start this journey to begin with, the end goal. You grieve for something that is lost, it was there, you felt it, then taken away so quickly. 

I’m brave, I’m a warrior. 

If only people really knew what we went through.

I can inject myself with 3 needles a day and not even flinch. I can now take 10tablets a day. I can go under an anaesthetic and not be scared, I can have a transfer of an embryo and not feel shy, I can have daily blood tests, and internal examinations without it even worrying me, just like it’s a “normal” part of my day.

I’ve felt pain like no other. My ovaries have been 3 times the normal size after an egg pick up and I managed it at home without admitting myself to hospital but being unable to barely walk because of the pain. It’s not pain compared to the emotional pain I’ve felt. That’s pain! 

My life has changed so much. 

My body has changed.

My mind has changed.

And my soul has changed.

My happiness has gone.

So please this week, just take a minute to think about those that struggle with infertility. I’m sure you know someone.

Think about the pain they go through to get something that to you is very easy to achieve.

The struggles they have. The highs, lows and in between they have.

The successes they have- I mean it’s beautiful to hear of the successful stories that’s what keeps us going.

The money spent, friends lost, marriage break downs, life changes.

These women are my Heros.

That’s the SUPERPOWER  we have. WARRIORS,

#infertilityawarenessweek

4 thoughts on “Infertility and ME

  1. I feel all you feel, albeit different fight and battle. You are beautiful and you are not all those things you tell yourself when you look in the mirror. I know I feel the same when I do no matter how many times people tell me otherwise. But you are. You will be a mum and all this pain will fade and you’ll be left with a stronger you. Until then your Instagram followers like me will fight with you xx

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  2. You never know what others are going through. It’s all consuming but you are a beautiful soul. Beautiful brave words – stay strong xx

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  3. I am absolutely gobsmacked that i can feel such overwhelming love for a woman that i have never met. It’s you, dear Sam.

    Janice. xx

    Like

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