Before I start to write about my most recent journey I will write this…
It is very unfortunate that we had a family member speak to someone within the media as they were excited for us, that person then took it upon themselves to print an article in the Gold Coast Bulletin before even asking us 1- where we happy 2- was it safe to do so as pregnancies when your just hitting the first trimester can be very touch and go and still classified in a critical stage and 3- to have other sources of media contact both Max and I straight away about stories, interviews, photos etc to which we replied we would like to process what we just read without any knowledge first and secondly we hadn’t shared the news with hardly any of our family let alone friends so we would much rather do that our way and thirdly that we were still awaiting some results before it was all made public and could they please respect and understand our wishes before anything is printed, YET despite all this they did a story on us on channel 9 news- which mind you I thought was quite distatesful and had false statements in there and obviously a very slow news day for our story to be of such importance, stories are still being printed without us talking and most of which is false, second hand information from people and all except for 1 journalist with whom we trust and respect as a friend and individual and we gave him permission to print something, the rest have just taken it upon themselves to continue their own stories basing more lies and wrong information they obtained from the first article published.
My published blogs have always been written to help people understand what I am going through and to help anyone who is on this journey also as to what to expect, and to help them. Some people are very private with their stories, I feel proud to not be so private and to be able to share my journey to help others.
While I understand YES I’ve been very very open about my journey through my blogs and on social media, I also realise I have spoken to some media personalities in TV, magazines and in papers. As I said this was my choice and I spoke to you to help with your stories. I may be asking for this to have happened because I have been so open but I guess I was naive in thinking that no one would leak this because they know what it’s taken for us to get to this point. And no person would ever want to take this special moment away from us. Naievety at it’s best!
I also understand that Max use to own a football club and spent a lot of time in the public spotlight. But please for the sake of me respect that I am struggling with what is happening and when we do ask for privacy at this time we will talk to some media when we are ready.
Why at this time can you not respect my wishes? I will be ready to share the truth when I am ready and right now I am still trying to get my head around the fact that Max and I were in a cafe and just happened to stumble across our article, to which I then went into panic mode trying to protect myself, Max and our journey. Sometimes I wonder if this was the journalist going through this emotional roller coaster with their wife, or she was the one going through it would you post this story when already you know what we have been through? What we could potentially still go through?
This journey has been hard, tough, and mentally brutal. This was our news to share. I had it all planned and it was going to be so beautiful. I had been dreaming of that day since I wanted a baby 4 years ago! And that magical moment was taken away from me so quickly. I rushed to do a post on social media because I knew I had to beat the media and tell it my way and share the news our way rather then them hearing it or seeing it in the media. The more you say to media the more they just don’t respect what we wish for and publish articles anyway. Please wait for my updates on the truth and the whole story.
I am so angry, sad and just hurt by this as a whole. This is not how I wanted to this happen.
I am still nowhere near safe in my pregnancy as far as I am concerned. While getting past the first trimester you can say it’s a “safe” stage I have witnessed this week some pretty horrible stories and things happen to friends and I just wanted to be certain. Until I hold a baby in my arms I will not be feeling safe.
I didn’t not tell anyone because I was hiding anything. I did it to protect me. I did it to protect Max and I did it in case anything went/ could go wrong.
After my last miscarriage my anxiety started bad.
This last stim cycle has been tough on me mentally. It’s also taken a huge toll on my body. It made me realise that while I so badly want a child am I doing this properly. I kept doubting myself going into this cycle, I doubted the whole process of IVF and I began to suffer mentally. I still am. It’s a daily struggle for me.
This cycle as I posted in the last blog I ended up in Pindara ED with ovaries 4times the normal size. I then told everyone I was taking a break for a while from IVF.
I went ahead with my transfer of 2 embryos.
I knew from 6days past transfer that I was on a winner again as my pregnancy tests were getting darker and things were good.
While at this point I was so anxious daily. I knew that all was going well but in the back of my mind I always had the thought that a miscarriage would/could occur. I still do. My blood results were great and we made it to scan day.
Scan day was scary yet amazing! We went in with my Mum and Dad who were here from Sydney and were ready for what could be a good day or a bad day. I always say IVF is tough. Each milestone gets tougher and anxiety levels go through the roof. In a naturally conceived pregnancy you possibly wouldn’t even know anything at this moment maybe just that you had skipped a period in an IVF baby we know step by step the process, chances, timings, and outcomes. We know to much I guess. This can have lots of benefits but it can also cause lots of stress and anxiety on us.
My scan went well. 1 sac with fetal pole and a yolk sac inside, then another found exactly the same. 2 heartbeats heard and sounding so very prefect. We were all crying and just so excited to have reached this point.
As the weeks passed I was getting anxiety. I was anxious because I wasn’t getting any sickness could this mean bad things, I was only tired, hungry and craving salt. Did that mean one twin was gone? So I was allowed in for weekly scans with Kee. As each day between the scan came and passed I was still so very anxious about everything.
Finally we got to week 9 and graduated from Monash. 2 perfectly healthy babies, measuring on time, one just a little slower and everything going perfectly.
We are still under the care of Dr Suhad Hassan. The most amazing, caring obstetrician on the Gold Coast. She is taking good care of all of us and things are ok for now but I will say please remember I am still in critical stages of my babies developments as they are twins, while they are non identical and don’t share a sac, placenta or anything and this is classified as the safest form of pregnancy there are still a lot of hurdles I want and wanted to overcome before all of this was made public knowledge. Like any pregnancy things can go wrong, twins have a higher %.
But I promise I will keep you updated weekly.
While it’s been tough having this news leaked before we could share this joy with everyone, Max and I are so humble by the calls, messages and words of encouragement that have been posted and said to us.
This cycle I have certainly seen some dark days. On transfer day I came home and cried so much. I cried because I was scared, I cried because I was anxious and unfortunately the person who I cried to besides Max was Kee. He listened to me hyperventilate cry, he listened to me yell and get frustrated and scream and he told me to remain positive it would be ok.
If you think about it for the past 900+ days I have done back to bacl cycles. I have continuously gone through IVF. The only time taking a break was to wait for the next cycle to start. These have been medicated and non medicated cycles. There was bound to be a point in this journey when I would break down. My life in general I am normally quite tough. I had never before IVF suffered anxiety but I do now. This topped with a huge weight gain hasn’t helped me and how I feel about myself. But I am a warrior and a survivor and no matter what life throws at me there is always someone doing it tougher.
So now I will go back to being angry and mad.
But thank each and every one of you for following me, commenting me well wishes and cheering me on from the sidelines. It really means a lot to me and also to Max.
For now though I am going to really take some much needed time away and try and focus on my wellbeing for me and my babies.