Well here I am again about to post another sad blog! Something I thought I wouldn’t be doing again or for a very long time. While on a holiday and a cleansing time this is my way of dealing with my grief as well as focusing on moving forward.
My little Angels were so loved before we met them.
As we sit in Noosa relaxing on our bittersweet trip away I am surrounded by constant memories. Just today I walked into a nail shop to have a manicure and pedicure and I was chatting with the lady doing my nails when she asked me, “do you have kids?” I broke down in the chair. Poor lady must have thought I was crazy.
My heart is still hurting so bad, my mind flashes with bad thoughts and nightmares and my body is still trying to adjust back to a normal body with no babies inside.
Just 3 months ago Max and I were so excited. We had achieved what we came on this journey for. I graduated from the clinic and upgraded to an obstetrician, I was having scans like normal pregnant women, we were so happy to get our ultrasound photos, we received gifts from people and even went as far as buying our own little baby things.. It was all very real, a life with twins was on the horizon and everyone thought so.
If I repeat myself on things I’ve already posted about this cycle, I am sorry. So this was cycle 4. Injections, scans, bloods, egg pick up, and as you have read in previous blogs a couple of days spent in hospital with enlarged ovaries from over stimulation of the fertility hormone drugs we inject on a daily basis. Before I fell pregnant I had a feeling this was my worst cycle and I did mention this to Kee a few times. I was so scared, so anxious.
When we went in for the transfer I had just got out of hospital a few days earlier and I had a scan first to make sure that all was ok in my body. It was! We decided on transferring 2 embryos. Then the next 2 weeks slowly go by. I waited patiently until I saw that double line on the home pregnancy test but before getting to excited I knew I had to wait to see line progression and darkness.
By 8 days past my 5day transfer there was a beautiful dark line almost as dark as the control line. By day 11 and blood test day I was again feeling excited inside but so nervous and scared and tried to protect my own feelings because I had seen this all before- you have transfer, get pregnant, do all the tests to say you are and then BAM I miscarry! My heart was still hurting from the past miscarriage but I knew I had to continue on so fast as it’s a good thing for your body and it has been pregnant so if emotionally you can keep going- Then do! This is why I have done back to back cycles for 2 years and only had a break when I was waiting for the next cycle to start. Each cycle I was getting closer and closer. Each cycle I knew my body was ok, it had proven that by getting this far, and let me tell you I have been cruel to my body, I have pushed it hard, I’ve pushed it to its limits and each time it’s bounced back and proven it can do this! It’s my heart and emotional wellbeing I was starting to worry about. While I pretend I am strong, I am a fighter, deep down I was hurting, I was hurting so bad. Max could see this in me. Some days I struggled to get out of bed, I didn’t want to leave the house and I certainly didn’t want to socialise and those that know us well know this isn’t me. But…. I kept going. With Max’s support and the support of Kee and the Monash group I kept going and got straight back on the band wagon and was thrilled when it worked. I just couldn’t believe my luck. Pregnant again and with twins. AMAZING! My wish, my dream. All the hard yards had paid off and I would be blessed with 2 rainbow babies in the one go. Yeah it would be tough and hard but I knew that what I had been through to get these precious babies they would be so loved and no matter how hard it would be it would be a true blessing.
A day or so after I had my transfer my mental health really struggled. I got angry and upset with Max and I also got upset with Kee. Both of them listened, helped me through my breakdown and kept encouraging me. After this breakdown we had come up with the nickname of Dudley for my embryos that were transferred. I had given up on them and as each day and milestone passed they proved me wrong. My little Dudleys. Mummy’s little fighters.
The most amazing part of this cycle was having my Mum and Dad with me in the room as Kee confirmed I had twins on board and both had heartbeats. My Mum and Dad have been so supportive of me through this whole journey and just in my life in general. This was such a special moment for all of us as a family, the only person missing was my sister who was still in Sydney. They saw their grandbabies, they heard their little hearts beating so fast. It was the best holiday and day for all of us. We celebrated that night with our dear friends.
So as the days and weeks went on it was all very exciting. We graduated from Monash, went to see Dr Hassan our obstretrican the most caring, compassionate person who was truly a shining light in some of my darkest days. Her guidance, knowledge and positive attitude helped me every day. My anxiety was so bad at this time and her reassurance on a daily basis was just inspiring. Dr Hassan is a remarkable woman and I am sad I had to leave her care but if and when it does finally happen for us again we will be back.
When we first saw Dr Hassan she guided Max and I through the loss of our first twin. This was tough. This happened on Tuesday fortnight ago. A scan showed one of my little Dudleys hearts had stopped. This was twin 1. Twin 1 gained angel wings first. This twin would be the first one born if they made it. After this news I was absolutely devastated. We had been for a scan and I was told by a Dr to prepare for another miscarriage in not a nice way and I walked out of there and was shattered. I was trying to get my head around being told I had lost one twin let alone the fact that twin 2 was also a potential miscarriage risk by a Dr I had not met. A person I thought was so cold and who was not my obstretrican nor my specialist and even though my beautiful twin 2 had a heart beat of 160beats per minute and was waving and moving around just prior when they scanned me. It was a little baby- ears, arms, legs, a nose forming, facial features and a heart beat. Yet I was told to prepare myself for another miscarriage! How could this be. I phoned my obstretrican bawling my eyes out and demanded to have a D&C. Or what would be classified as a termination of my pregnancy. She refused. And thank goodness she did because twin 2 was still doing very well.
This same Dr at the scan place told us we would possibly have twin 2 born with Down syndrome or if I got to 14+ weeks (which wasn’t far off) I would be given tablets, and my pregnancy stopped, put into labour and my baby birthed naturally. My head was spinning, my heart breaking, my emotions questioning everything around me and all my positive energy quickly sucked away from me. How could I go through the birth of a baby, hold it, while it wasn’t alive to then be taken away from us. It was to much to even consider and think about. I just looked to Max for hope. But we had none! All our hope was slowly beginning to fade away. I thought these peop.e were having a lend of me. Down syndrome, miscarriage, one twin lost… Ws this all real or was I living in a nightmare?
All of this happened the day after we were forced to reveal our news. While that was tough enough for me the thought I was now faced with in losing 1 twin potentially another was a hard pill to swallow. I kept crying thinking how am I going to tell people. So we didn’t. We decided to just say one twin wasn’t doing well but the other was going good. Again I will reiterate I know I put myself out there for scrutiny, judgement, and for the public eye to read and see but this is my choice. I never asked for the news of our impending arrivals to be leaked to media as this was also going to be a special celebration for Max and I. We had only just managed to tell some family and very close friends. And while we realise that people were excited for us we both felt quite betrayed by the news story and then the channel 9 news showing it. I mean like really!? Slow news day? I had just arranged with a friend a way I was going to do our reveal. So it’s a shame that was ruined but I guess in future we won’t be telling anyone what stage we are at in our cycle and certainly if we are pregnant. So if you hear me say I’m taking a break- it means I’m not telling!
This has been tough on me to go through this publicly. As I said I put myself out there but it’s tough publicly going through a miscarriage. I felt smothered, like I couldn’t breathe and like my whole world was crashing around me but all anyone seemed interested in was the perfect story. Miscarriage is tough, it’s hardly spoken about and it’s the loss of a child. In our case 2 or if I include previous cycles 4. To lose anyone or anything is tough. It’s sad, it’s draining, it’s hard to keep going when everyone else around you keeps moving and living, it’s just hard and shit!
So now back to twin 2.
I was going for daily scans after the loss of the first twin. This was more so for my anxiety. Each day we saw twin 2 grow, wave, move around doing butterfly swimming, have a perfect heartbeat, each day was another milestone passed and a week closer to a lower miscarriage rate. By 12 weeks you assume your pretty safe anyway. It’s normally the time to tell people, to start celebrating. We were slowly beginning to as we thought twin 2 was defying the odds against them and going from strength to strength.
On Tuesday I went and had a scan with Dr Hassan. Dudley was doing amazing! Thursday was the day we were to be tested for Down syndrome and other chromosome issues. We went back to the scan place that had originally told me about twin 1. As I lay on the bed the sonographer scanned me. She didn’t say much. I just looked at her and said has Dudley got a heart beat. She said I’m afraid not. They called the Dr in who confirmed this news to us. I just couldn’t understand why, how? I wasn’t bleeding, no cramps, no symptoms!
I didn’t know what to do, think or say. I phoned Dr Hassan and Kee straight away. And just cried. I was shaking, hyperventilating, wondering why life was so cruel. Why me? Why us? What have we done that is so bad? I couldnt understand how my little baby that was just waving at me less then 48hours prior had decided to leave us also. Another heart that had stopped. I went straight to see Dr Hassan for confirmation as I trusted her judgement more then anyone else. I needed to hear it from her officially. Unfortunately Dr Hassan confirmed what we already knew. Max and I again cried.
I went home, cried some more and by 6pm that afternoon I was back in hospital awaiting my operation. The operation to remove the contents of my babies from my uterus! Absolutely Soul destroying.
As I lay waiting to go in I realised how tough it’s been on Max. In 7 years of knowing him I’ve never seen him break down and cry and cry. I did this day. We often forget the impact it has on loved ones who ride this journey so closely with me. And to see my husband, a grown man, crying in front of me asking why was absolutely shattering. I wish I knew why, I wish I had the answers. Max is normally the strong one, the optimist while at times I’m the pessimist, Max is so resilient and bounces back from some of the toughest adversities that would knock many a person down. Always smiles, always laughs and has a joke even telling everyone about his useless daily knowledge he reads up on- like how many planes In The sky at any one time, how many dogs and cats on earth… Max was numb and silent. We just held each other and cried. I read an article about IVF causing divorce amongst couples. I am lucky our relationship goes from strength to strength no matter what we are faced with.
The hospital I had my operation in is the same hospital I work in. I work with some amazing people. From my boss, to the team that looked after me on the night in pre admission, right through to recovery were amazing. My dignity, confidentiality and care was absolutely the best I’ve received. They all ensured I was kept private away from people and staff who were not yet aware. So to all of those people. I am forever grateful and Thankyou so much for the care given to both Max and I at such a vulnerable time in our life.
As I went to sleep I think I remember holding my tummy saying please don’t take my babies even though I knew they had to go, I went to sleep crying and I remember waking up in recovery still crying. It was all over. They were gone. I was no longer going to be a Mum. My dreams shattered, my life as I knew it was back to where I first started, and I had no more babies growing inside me. I can’t even write in words how I was feeling at that point as it’s to hard but if someone had given me a sleeping tablet and never woken me up I would have been happy.
So here we are now in Noosa.
On a much needed break away.
A lot of R&R, cuddles, laughing, memories, and just time together to decide where to from here.
Do I go again next cycle? Do I have a break? Do I give up for good. This is a decision we will make together with the help of our specialist team over the next few days.
In the mean time- I am sure my little angels are flying high. Mummy and Daddy are so sad, so heartbroken, I wonder how I will go on when I get back to the Gold Coast.. How will I cope to go through another cycle. Physically I know I can. Mentally I’m not sure.
I have never felt so sad in my life, so lonely, at such a loss. So many questions I have. As I sit here listening to Coldplays the Scientist on repeat I wonder why is science so hard? Why won’t science give us a baby. Is it my body? Why does my body hate me? Why can’t it be our time.
Over the past few months I have met some amazing people, I’ve realised who my true friends are, who the snoopers are and those that don’t really care. While I know we all live a life and everyone has different problems they face it’s amazing at times like this who has come out to support and those that don’t, I definately don’t judge it just makes me realise those that truly are special in my and our life. While not many people know what to say at a time like this, just your words, thoughts and prayers are enough. We are blessed to have a huge following of supporters and some of the messages, calls, texts and comments we have both received we feel so blessed to be surrounded by the most beautiful people. While we may not answer to all of them we do read each comment.
So for now somewhere over the rainbow my babies are 🌈🌈😇😇 with their angel wings.
I am back to Kee and the amazing team at Monash. To try again!
Miscarrying is one of the toughest things I’ve faced. I don’t wish this sort of heartache on anyone. Those that have been in my shoes would know time heals all wounds but these wounds are raw and these memories will be forever.
My heart will hurt for a long time and the tears keep flowing but with the love Max and I have for each other we will keep going. I’m a fighter, I’m a warrior and I won’t ever let infertility beat me. I WILL BEAT INFERTILITY NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES ME!
We are #teamdelmege and we are #strongertogether