I know I should have written sooner since it has been 2 months since my last blog and when people enjoy reading them and learning about our journey I feel really bad so I do apologise.
For the first time during this process I was finding it hard to write, hard to process my thoughts, hard to digest what had happened and hard to move forward while thinking positive. Normally I am so honest about my journey but this time I couldn’t even think about sitting down and talking about what had happened. I didn’t want to 2 months ago because that would have meant to me that it was all true and really over and the truth hurt 2 months ago! I was silenced for the first time ever, grieving in a way I didn’t know how and it wasn’t through my blogs or writing my thoughts down.
As you know 2 months ago back in July I had a miscarriage at 11weeks and 12 weeks along with twins. For those who are members on our Facebook private page of our journey you would have read- We had a little girl and a little boy. The perfect pair and everyone’s dream. Not only was I having 1 of each I was having them together. We found this out when the results came back from my D&C operation to remove the contents of conception.
The little girl who they assume I lost at the 11 week mark had a chromosome abnormality of the 3p.26.3 or a partial deletion of the OMIM gene CNTN4. Unfortunately I can’t go into to much detail about this not because I don’t want to but because I don’t understand that side of things as such, but basically in laymen’s terms she could have still survived full term with that gene mutation but would have been born developmentally delayed on what spectrum they don’t know. She could have been able to care for herself or she could have required 24hour care and have been wheelchair bound and unable to speak, eat, move and reliant so much on the care of others, she could have been born with Autism and again they couldn’t say on what spectrum or how bad but that’s all they can say. This was very rare and will hopefully never happen again. All the testing has been done to ensure that we both don’t carry that gene and it was all normal. So rare it was 1 in a million. Our little 1 in a million girl ♥️
Our little boy was chromosomally normal and perfect. They say he died at the 12 week mark due to bad toxins that get passed on from twin to twin and his little heart stopped and he couldn’t handle it anymore.
Unfortunately with twins this happens a lot. Twin to twin syndrome.
While at the time I was absolutely devastated and so heartbroken and couldn’t understand why it keeps happening to us. 2 miscarriages in a row, and 3 operations to clear the contents of all my angel babies I now see it as a blessing. Call me selfish, call me what you will- I for one would have hated to bring a child with developmental delay into the world. Not because of me, but because of them. I would have hated to watch each day my child suffer while her brother was fine, require care from myself and others just to do basic activities of daily living like get dressed, go to the toilet, shower all the things we would take for granted until it’s taken away. So many children these days are bullied as it is, weather it be about your gender, sexuality, religion, your differences of opinions let alone what they look like. I would have hated this for my child. In a twin pregnancy you unfortunately can’t terminate the one and continue with the healthy one so going to full term knowing that my little girl was to be born “different” would have been a hard pregnancy to get through- none the less I would have. I would have felt so blessed to be her Mum but she wasn’t ready for this world. But… From a bad situation I saw it as a blessing and that she took her brother with her because she wanted him close in heaven to watch over Mummy and Daddy and continue to help us on our way. 🙏🏻😇😇🌈🌈 my 2 little twinnies. Always known to me as Dudley.
I was in a place I have never been mentally for a few weeks. It was a horrible dark place that hurt so bad. As I write about it again I am crying. Without Max, my gorgeous poodle Pinot, the love and support from my Mum, Dad and my specialist Kee I am not sure I would have ever left that place. I had so many messages of support, love, and just people seeing how I was. It was beautiful and helped me through some of the darkest days of my 33 years of living. IVF is tough but a miscarriage is tougher. Your dream is a reality and it was for 12 weeks we were certain it was and then it was taken away from me just like that and there was no warning or anything I could do about it. The pain is still there.
So my last blog was written from Noosa. Max and I had a great time away for a week. We just relaxed and re evaluated what we were going to do next and it was just lovely spending time together- no work, no needles, no Dr’s, no hospitals… Just US!
We then went to Sydney and saw family and celebrated the impending arrival of my niece. Yes my Sister is having a little girl and we are so thrilled. Not long to go now….
But now I’m back to reality and my anxiety has started playing up again. I get so anxious about where my journey will lead us. Will I miscarry again. I get anxious that now I would have been 8 months along with our first child to be born in October except I miscarried. I get anxious about my final embryo that is in the freezer- will it survive thawing and if it does will it be my real take home baby? So many thoughts run through my mind and all of these generally at bed time when I need to relax.
My mind now struggles to switch off. I really can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel even though I was so close before.
Good news is- Kee tells me it will happen still. And while he says it will happen I will keep going. I trust his judgement and I have so much faith in what he says and does for Max and I. I have had so many offers of donations of eggs, sperm, surrogacy and adoption and from the bottom of my heart I thank you all. It’s a priceless gesture you are offering to couples that are struggling with infertility to help create a family for them but for now and while Kee tells me I still can, I will. The day he suggests donor being my only viable option I will then look down that path but for now we are ok. But Thankyou everyone who has offered.
My struggles after my miscarriage have been hard. To top it all off I have adult acne due to hormonal imbalances. I guess 2 years of back to back IVF cycles of injecting hormones, taking steroids, and not giving my body a rest is finally taking its toll. I will deal with this though and just keep going with my IVF.
Some people are admired by my strength. To me this is life. When you want something so desperately you do anything to get it no matter what the consequences. It’s like an addiction I’ve felt a high from being pregnant 2 times before and it was amazing and I won’t stop until I feel that again for 9 whole months and get to hold our baby. Yes I am strong and sometimes I look back and think how have I done this for so long without falling to pieces? I quite possibly could have sunken into a depression and I could have seen how, but I always get back up and keep going. This journey is a lonely place. The only people that truly understand are those going through the same thing and they have been my biggest support to continue on.
No one could ever really understand such heartache, such determination, such strength, such resilience as a couple undergoing IVF or fertility treatment. I will say it again they are my heros, my biggest support and my warrior sisters. I wish I could explain to you why or how I feel like this but even then you just wouldn’t understand. Infertility sux and it hurts.
I’ve experienced so much heartache in 2 years I amaze myself with how I have coped. To still be able to live each day like it’s all ok is an absolute miracle. Most times I hate getting out of bed to face people let alone keep taking medications, injections and attending appointments to continue on this journey that has given me the heartache, is strength of my character and determination and something I am proud of.
Just prior to us marrying I took the steps to speak to a fertility Dr. On the 18/9/2017 it is our 2 year wedding anniversary and I honestly never thought I’d still be on this journey but I am. I have to be.
I’ve often thought that if my next transfer doesn’t work what do I do? Would you keep going or would you give up? 11 embryo transfers, 5 operations, 4 egg pick ups, 2 miscarriages concurrently, 1 chemical pregnancy, 56 eggs collected, 3 angel babies, 10+ KG of weight gain, adult acne and lots of heartache do I give up? I feel like I can’t. I haven’t achieved what I set out to do. I know many couples would have by now for the financial stress this would have caused on top of all the other emotions but I am just not sure I can give up. I don’t know how I could ever make that decision that enough is enough and to those that have had to it would have been the toughest decision they have ever made. To go through life Childress for some is a blessing for others being a Mum is everything they yearn for and unfortunately I’m one of those people who want this so bad. I want this so bad it hurts.
Will I ever suffer post traumatic stress from all this heartache? So many thoughts run through my mind and I hope that what I have felt over the past 2 years I will one day look back and see it as a small obstacle in my life while staring at my child that Max and I created.
So back I go to prepping for our final transfer (who knows when that will be) but I’m trying to prepare myself mentally and physically in the hope this is it for us. Back to my team at Monash Gold Coast.
If this doesn’t work I will be absolutely devastated. I will be back at square one! Again!
Keep us in your thoughts.
Keep my little frostie in your thoughts.
And keep all those couples still enduring countless rounds of fertility treatment in your thoughts.
A huge Thankyou to the nearly 25,000 people who enjoy reading my blogs.
Don’t forget we have a Facebook page “Max and Sam Delmege our fertility journey”.
And I hope sometime soon I have good news for you all. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Until then we are Team Delmege- Stronger together