And just like that! BOOM- Cycle 4 is done and dusted! Absolutely devastating to say the least.
For a recap- I got 15 eggs, which only 3 made to day 5. 2 were transferred creating the twins and 1 was frozen. The twins I lost at 11 & 12 weeks.
My final embryo “Frostie” was transferred on 16/9/17 after 3 weeks prior of prepping my body for another transfer. Hormone replacement therapy or HRT was the chosen protocol. HRT stops ovulation, stops your period from arriving so it all can be timed to when my lining is thick enough to be prepared for a transfer. It was thought after my 2 previous D&C operations within 2 weeks of each other that my lining may have been ruined. A miscarriage can also attack the lining which makes it thinner and this can cause more issues for women trying to conceive. More prednisone, progynova to thicken my lining to at least 8mm, intralipid infusion, and those dreaded Pessaries that get inserted- for me rectally.
As you all are aware by now I don’t really take a break. Off the back of my loss I went straight into this transfer as fast as I could. You WAIT again like all things IVF for your period to arrive. After your body recognises a pregnancy then a loss my cycle of “normal” is not the same. In actual fact my cycle has not been the same since starting IVF. I was always a regular 28days! Not now! Once that arrived it’s go time. Medications start, the adrenaline pumps, the excitement builds, the anxiety starts. Off we went again to get our baby.
My first lining scan showed my lining to not be as thick as he would like it. So we upped my progynova. A week later it was at 8.3mm and we were ready and booked in for transfer 5 days later.
Max and I were so hopeful of this transfer. It was around our 2 year wedding anniversary, straight of the back of the twins and 2 miscarriages in a row, straight after 2 operations…. We thought we had already received all the bad news we could get so this was it. Lucky number 12! This journey couldn’t possible keep punching us in the face!
With a frozen transfer like all transfers I find my biggest anxiety comes from the thawing process. The embryo is taken from the freezer the morning of transfer and is monitored to see if it grows and expands. Being our last remaining embryo that anxiety voice is bad in the back of my mind telling me it won’t survive and all this prepping was for nothing! But Frostie survived. Out of my 12 embryos transferred- 7 have been frozen embryos and to this date I have not lost one by it not surviving the thaw! Monash are pretty good.
So here is Frostie
Then as always after transfer comes the two week dreaded wait. You analyse every feeling that happens inside and try and compare it to previous transfers. After 2 years of IVF I feel like I am very in tune with my body now. I know what is happening. Prior to IVF I was quite naieve. I didn’t even realise EWCM each month was actually my body ovulating. Crazy I know but I guess I was either not so interested, but more so probably because I always on the contraceptive pill and wasn’t really trying to have a baby.
Usually from about day 5-6 I start testing. So again I did this time. I tested 5dp and saw only 1 line. I didn’t get disheartened because I knew it was still early days. I tested again 6dp, 7dp, 8dp and still only the 1 line. I could try and stare at these pregnancy tests all day if I wanted and get square eyes and create a second line if I wanted to but I know I’m only lying to myself. I’m only hurting myself more by doing that.
Cycle 4 is over!
I’m back to square one!
Injections, egg pick up, another operation, more stress of how many eggs will be collected, will my body respond to the hormone injections, what size and how many follicles will my body create, will they be chromosomally normal, will this be my last cycle, will this have my rainbow baby amongst it… I think Kee wants to do a hysteroscopy and lipodol flush before this cycle. A Hysteroscopy to look inside and see what is happening and a lipodol flush is said to help with recurrent miscarriages and implantation failures by flushing my tubes with some sort of sesame oil which helps hopefully- but good news is it doesn’t hurt or affect my chances if I do have it done. So I’ll try anything! Just means another operation. I’m becoming a pro at having Anaesthetics.
I wish there were more answers as to what is happening with our journey. Why is it taking so long. I’ve now had 12 embryos transferred. My bloods come back as normal. The only real problem they can see is my egg quality but even then they aren’t sure. There has to be something wrong with me. I had a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis which showed I had a mild amount but not enough to stop a pregnancy from occurring. I’ve been pregnant. Even when I was younger and I wasn’t ready to become a Mum then so I terminated. What the F is wrong with me? All 12 embryos couldn’t have been chromosomally abnormal!?
This time I am actually going to step away from my addiction that is IVF. It is consuming our life. It has become who we are. I’m going to take a break. Regroup. Try and fix my horrible face that has acne on it. Try and do everything in my will power to get better egg quality. Did you know our body produces one good egg every 3 months?!, focus on changing my diet to improve my eggs, keep taking vitamins that are costing me a fortune, try and improve my anxiety by focusing on the good, and just not think about having a baby until we start again later. And maybe (which I doubt) try and lose some of these extra kilos I’ve put on!
I can’t keep solely focusing on trying to have a baby. I’ve put everything in my life on hold in the hope that next month will be my time. The light in this long tunnel just keeps looking to be further and further away. It is so time consuming, so heartbreaking, so emotionally draining.
I know there are other options for us. I wish this country made it easier for adoption and I would definately consider that. Surrogacy- I don’t need that now, my body can get pregnant and you need to be deemed completely unable to have a child to be able to have a surrogate carry one. I’ve looked into fostering- yes we could help a child who has had a rough life have a good life, but then I think of all the things that go with fostering- the child who may have problems, me not being ok letting a child who has been abused see the person who abused them, the potential to get attached to that child to then have it taken away from you and sent back to a horrible family. We are still keeping all our options open and are willing to try anything. And for now as I’ve said in the past- while Kee says there is still hope I won’t give up believing.
One day we will get there.
One day we will hold our rainbow 🌈
One day our dream will come true.
But for today and now it isn’t.
We cry, cry some more and get back up and face the world like we have no problem.
We dig deep and find it somewhere within the will to keep going.
We support, love and nurture each other through our grief.
We pray each day for a miracle.
We just keep going because giving up is quitting and we aren’t quitters.
We realise that no matter what we have endure for 2 years, we are still together, stronger then ever.
That is because we are #teamdelmege #strongertogether