Tisn’t the season to be jolly

Well here we go….

My last blog for 2017.

What a crap year I have had! To be honest with you I’ll be glad to see the back of 2017 just like a lot of other people I know!

I remember NYE last year going into this year I had so many plans. 2016 was a tough year I thought, how could 2017 be the same if not worse? Well it was. 3 Christmas’ in a row all I’ve dreamt of is celebrating with a child, just like the childhood memories we have of Christmas time, 3 New Years all I’ve dreamt of is going into a New Year with my husband and baby by my side looking back thinking “what an amazing year”… Again it’s just not meant to be!

While no time of year is easy when dealing with infertility- Christmas is the hardest. I look at everyone else and see how happy they are.. This makes me happy on the outside but inside I’m grieving. I’m grieving for my own happiness, I’m grieving for my unborn children, I’m grieving for the 5 stim cycles and 14 embryos I’ve transferred, grieving for something that in my mind makes sense but my heart can’t feel it. It’s bloody tough! All I wanted this year was for a positive pregnancy test! I got my wish but then it was taken away- 3 times over! To be brutally honest it fucken kills me inside! How can I keep being brave and tough when all I want to do is curl into a little ball and wait for this nightmare to be over! How can I keep facing the world when I am suffering so much in silence? How can I be happy for others when I’m not happy I myself? 💔😢

Watching happy families upload photos of babies on Christmas Day and how you have dressed your baby- I just can’t deal with. While I’m super happy for you, I’m sad for myself. That may be and sound very selfish but I’ve put on a strong face for over 2 years. My strength is slowly fading and my hope only comes in glimmers! I’ve been told to keep fighting so I have, I’ve been told to hold out hope so I did, I was told it will happen this year, it didn’t! Honestly how much heartache can one couple endure before you finally walk away from what is your dream? Before you finally realise you may never ever have children! It’s the hardest pill to swallow and leaves a hollow hole in my heart.

Last week I was chatting with a friend on FaceTime and I had my poodle laying on me.. I said aw look at my baby- That person then moved the phone to show me their baby and said yeah well look at mine… In that instant my heart shattered into a million pieces. I knew the reality of what was staring me in the face!

Christmas is always meant to be a happy time. A time for giving and loving and watching the faces of young children as they relish in the dreams of Santa Claus. Christmas this year will be very tough for Max and I.

I’ve done everything I possibly can to make this work. It still won’t.

On the 8th November I tried again! Another full stim cycle! My 5th!!!!! Prepping my body 2 weeks prior with a Lipiodol flush, Hysteroscopy and endometrial scratch. My 5th IVF operation for this year alone. I will try anything that will help!

2 weeks following this started my injections again. Following the same protocol from last time as cycle 4 was my best cycle to date. Prior to starting this I had put myself back on the oral contraceptive pill and been to a dermatologist to get scripts and ideas of how I could fix my skin safely while trying to having a baby. I was going to wait until next year to try again but once I was given the thumbs up from my dermatologist to start my treatment I jumped straight back into another cycle in the hope I would have my Christmas miracle.

11 days of injections, severe bloating, discomfort, feeling sick, looking 6 months pregnant… You name it that’s how we feel…I was feeling positive. I had 15 follicles growing all around the correct mark of between 15-18mm a couple bigger then that and some smaller. My estrogen was nicely rising and sitting around the 17,000 mark (meaning I was growing nice eggs) and all was going well so I triggered that night. My trigger was changed at the last minute to prevent myself from ending up in hospital with OHSS. So I triggered with Decapeptyl. Something new to me. I always trigger with Ovidrel.

2 days later I was back at Short Street having my egg pick up, barely able to walk from the discomfort and I felt nauseous and sick. I was put to sleep and woke up 13 on my hand!

I stayed in recovery for a while until my intralipids had finished! I then went home. I couldn’t handle the pain at home so Max took me straight to Pindara and I was admitted overnight! The pain is hard to explain. I felt my ovaries were on fire, like someone had repeatedly punched me straight in the stomach with full force, I was going to vomit and I was buckled over from the pain. The nurses are amazing in Pindara!

I received my fertilisation report- They had found an extra egg so I actually collected 14 eggs and of those 14, 13 had fertilised. Best result ever for me so far! We were so happy. Each day over the next 5 days you get a call from the lab to let you know how your embryos are going. Each day was looking good. I got to Day 5- Transferred 2 embryos and still had 8 left growing for another day.

These 2 precious embryos on board I had nicknamed Roidy. I had prayed to the steroid Gods and any God for that matter that these would keep growing. Transfer done. Then you again are in the dreaded 2 week wait! Day 6, out of 8 embryos still growing only 2were suitable to freeze.

I was feeling confident. I just kept thinking wow this years been tough wouldn’t it be lovely to finish on a high! Day 6 I tested; stark white line staring back at me, Day 7 I tested again; again another stark white line, Day 8 again, same thing! I just cried and cried. No Christmas miracle, no baby for me this year, another year down and still my dream lives on. I’ve cried now for 2 days straight!

Yesterday a lovely lady who helped me through some of my hardest days of infertility lost her 2 year battle with cancer. This beautiful lady despite how hard and tough her days were, still found time to make sure I was in good spirits. Her strength and determination to try and beat Cancer always gave me a reason to keep fighting on. She often said to me that as soon as she reached heaven she would send me down a baby. I can’t help but cry for her family. I think about what I am going through right now but it is nothing compared to the grief of her daughters and what they are enduring. Leona- Thankyou for always being my shining star on dull days, Thankyou for showing me true strength and determination and Thankyou for always having faith that one day it would work. I will miss our chats so much. I know she would have read this then written back to me about how fucking cruel this journey has been!

People like Leona are hard to come by and I was lucky she was on my side. Rest In Peace beautiful Leona ❤️

So 2017 can F right off out of here!

I’m taking a little break from social media. As I said, while I’m happy for you uploading your photos of your happy families, newborn babies and happy news- I’m sad and hurting inside for my own losses this year which will continue into next year! Again! I’m grieving 14 embryos, twins I miscarried and also my 2miscarriages before the twins! To hold my own baby in my arms has been my dream for so long and I’m only able to keep thinking about the what if’s… What if the twins survived- I would be 33 weeks pregnant now, what if the first baby survived that I miscarried- I’d already be a Mum, what if I did something differently- would that have worked….. It’s a mind game!

This whole baby thing is becoming desperate! I hate it! Taking over my whole life.

Killing me slowly inside, breaking my confidence, hurting my soul and playing terrible mind games with me.

What to do now…..

My heart is broken, my mind is shattered and my soul destroyed! How much more can I take?

So I’m going to Enjoy my Christmas with my Mum and Dad and Max’s family, have a great New Year with friends and celebrate with Max my birthday.

We still have 2 frozen embryos!

While this cycle hasn’t officially been confirmed as over- I know it is. I hate going in for bloods knowing it hasn’t worked! It’s like an extra slap in the face! Those words “I’m so sorry Sam” it hasn’t worked AGAIN!! Are the hardest words you hear!

Back to Kee I go. Back to re evaluate. Back to sit and wonder what the hell happened! Again! I don’t know what else we can try! We have tried everything! Thrown everything at my body! How much more can it take? Can I take? Can Max take? Hundreds of thousand of dollars, our emotions, our hearts breaking continually! Unanswered questions, why us, why me? It just hurts so bad!

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and New Year. If for just one moment I ask that you all think about someone you know who is doing it tough. Think of them, send them a message, and hold your children that little bit tighter. They are a gift from God that come so easy for some yet to me it seems like an Impossible task.

So all I can say is bring on 2018!

5 thoughts on “Tisn’t the season to be jolly

  1. Oh god I hear you. 3 Chemical pregnancies in 12 months from 4 transfers. The hope and then the gut wrenching disappointment. It hurts so much and there is nothing that anyone can do to make it better. We are exploring treatment options with Dr Gamal Mathias and trying to regather and regroup before trying to start again next year with fresh hope. We are fortunate to have 5 gorgeous embryos frozen and waiting thanks to our beautiful egg donor Sarah.
    It sucks shit this dusting yourself off and trying again and again and again. Sometimes the option to just stop is so very appealing. Time is the thing isn’t? Give yourself time and space to heal. Don’t make any decisions while you are hurting so much and be kind to yourself and your body. XXX

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  2. I’m not sure when you will read this but I just wanted to tell you to hang on in there. Try to stay positive. I know that everyone may say that to you but please do. I am sorry for all your loss and heartache. I know exactly how you feel. I was down that path many years back. Having done 17 IVF cycles myself, 15 of those fresh and 2 frozen over the course of 6 long and stressful years. I also endured the pain of a miscarriage, losing my baby boy in second trimester at 4 months pregnant. It was really unfair, to finally get pregnant and to lose a healthy baby due to an ‘incompetent cervix’. Feeling like a failure again, over and over. I began to give up and thought of exploring other options. I decided to give it another shot with one last cycle, number 17, a frozen one with my only 2, 6 day embryos. I was 42, these were from early cycles when I was 38 or 39. They were the only ones they froze, the other 13 fresh cycles nothing was ever suitable. Like you I did lots of alternative treatments, infusions, growth hormones, scrapings, injections, etc, etc. Just when I thought it was over, one last shot, it worked again! 6 years in between pregnancys. This time it was twins. Although, it didn’t come without complications, many of them and 6 months in hospital. I finally had my baby, a girl. The other baby didn’t make it early on in the pregnancy, but I believe it gave the remaining twin a better chance of survival. I was finally a mum at 43, she now turns 5 next month. Although cliche, everything does happen for a reason. There is light at the end of the tunnel. There are many other options such as donor and surrogacy, although these are unfortunately not always that easy in Australia. I believe it in my heart that it will happen for you. You will have your dream baby. It will happen when you least expect it! Thank you for reading my story. I hope it brings you some hope. Lena.

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    1. Thankyou Lena for replying and reading my blog. It saddens me the pain we all must endure to hold a precious baby. It at times just doesn’t seem fair. I’m so happy you have a beautiful healthy girl and I bet she brings so much joy to your life. May you both have a lovely Christmas and all the best for 2018xxxx

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