To think today I would have been a Mum to two beautiful twins! Also quite possibly a Mum to 11 other embryos 😢
No one quite prepares you for the heartache that comes with IVF and infertility. The ongoing grieving and mourning that you endure almost on a daily basis. The pain you feel inside wanting, wishing, hoping that you will become a Mum. The emptiness of not being able to carry a baby to full term. Some days are harder then others and some days you struggle to barely get through the day- but you have to.
Have you ever wanted something so bad? Have you ever dreamt and hoped and prayed for something so bad? Have you ever tried everything possible to make a dream come true, then to get the first stages of your dream, feel the excitement, feel it for a few months, then have it ripped away from you slowly and painfully over the course of a couple of weeks 😢. It’s the worst feeling anyone can experience a pain like no other.
If I could describe my journey in a few words I would say it’s brutal, soul destroying, heartbreaking and unfair.
I would advise people about to embark on this journey to be ready to fight a battle that could be a small battle, it could be long enduring and at times feel like you’ve been knocked out! This journey is not for the weak or faint hearted.
You have the highest highs and some very low lows. And your whole world can change in an instant and your dream over.
This weekend we were to be parents. Our twins were due on the 2nd Feb. They would have already been in the world but this was my original due date up until we knew we were having 2 babies. I went to sleep the night before knowing, I woke up crying! It was tough. Going away for the weekend was the best thing for both of us. Being able to enjoy our time together and not be in an environment where it has so many memories. We spoke about our twins, we cried, we mourned their loss and we also spoke about the other babies we lost prior to the twins. We hugged, cried, laughed, cried, had a cheers, cried, thought about what if, cried and were there for each other.
I at times forget that this journey is not just about me. But Max also. He rides this roller coaster with me. Each and every step of the way.
2017 was a hard year for me. 3 recurrent miscarriages in a row! 4 babies lost! All in consecutive months. I thought mentally I was dealing with it. Towards the end of 2017 I realised mentally I was not in as good a space as I thought! I wanted to keep going with my transfers and I would still have except my specialist said NO! My thyroid levels were elevated. This can lead to miscarriages and pre term labour and I have honestly endured enough miscarriages! So Thankyou Kee for forcing me to take a break! While I know I was upset when I was told, it’s actually been the best thing for me mentally. My mental space in 2017 was a far cry from the happy go lucky person I am. I became introverted, depressed, anxious, un happy with how I looked physically, and probably the saddest and loneliest I’ve ever felt. 2017 was tough with each month pregnancies, announcements and births all the while knowing my body was rejecting another baby from growing!
My whole life I’ve been a strong Woman, knowing exactly what I want and I’ve always been mentally tough. Feeling so lost on vulnerable was hard for me to deal with. This whole 3 years has changed the person I am, the person I was, and who I want to become. I’ve re evaluated my whole life and I’ve had to say I’m not OK for the first time ever!
2018 will hopefully bring a brand new start for us.
Max and I have almost bought a home we love.
Max is excited to be a baton bearer on the 2nd April for the Gold Coast Commonwealth Games.
We have a few things planned for 2018 to help us remain mentally and physically happy.
We have had a break to re asses what to from here on our journey.
I am excited for Easter when my adds will be aired on the radio for Monash IVF.
I am excited to keep writing my blogs.
And finally we have some things to look forward to for this year and work hard for.
The time taken away from IVF I felt I have really grieved for all my losses. I feel mentally ok to keep going on my journey and keep giving it my all. I have done a lot of soul searching and I am nearly back to who I use to be! I know I’ll get back there it’s just taking a little longer then expected. Trying each day to focus on my anxiety is obviously a daily struggle but I’m going to get there. I will get there!
I always wonder why it’s been so hard? Why when we have nothing wrong on paper and in tests is it not working for us? I mean how hard can it be? Then I am brought back to reality realising that it is science we are dealing with. I know I shouldn’t whinge when a lot of couples have it a lot worse then myself. Some even can never have a baby and as I’ve said before that must be so tough to hear when it’s all they have ever wanted.
You begin to hate your body. You get so frustrated with how it just continually lets you down. You begin to hate the process asking yourself “why us”. You get angry with yourself for feeling sad and depressed each time someone else announces a pregnancy and you keep thinking “why do I feel like this” “I should be happy”.
Each day is like re living the 5 stages of grief.
Then you sleep and wake up and feel like it’s ground hog day!
A ride spinning you round and round and you just want to get off but know you can’t until the ride is finished.
To all my fellow warriors- Please look after yourself. Do things that make you happy. A lot of the time we forget about ourselves because we are so focused and entranced in worrying about what is happening with our cycles. It’s ok to ask for help and say you are struggling. It’s ok to feel sad and frustrated. I am always here for you.
So still nothing new to report in this blog!
I still just hope and pray that my thyroid levels will allow me to be able to transfer my remaining embryos sooner rather then later.
I am going to remain positive and hopeful that 2018 will be the year of Baby Delmege. 🙏🏻