Here I am again…
I hate these horrible blog posts probably as much as you are getting sick of them.
Another failed cycle for me!
And still no baby!
My final 2 embryos of this cycle, number 4, were transferred on 21/4/18. My little Snowy’s.
Everything again was looking good.
I was forced last year to take a break due to my TSH (thyroid) levels being elevated. For a “normal” person I was within normal range but for IVF they like the numbers lower. My TSH last year was 3.2. In February I was re tested again and it had come down to 1.1.
I have been taking 50mcg of thyroxine every day to help with these levels. TSH levels in trying to have a baby weather it be natural or through assisted reproductive technology are very important. They can cause re current miscarriages, high blood pressure through your pregnancy and can also cause pre term labour. I wasn’t aware of all of this until I was forced to have a break and do my own research as well as get all the best knowledge through Kee.
So this cycle was looking good. My TSH levels great, I had been on a much needed break mentally and physically, I had been on a couple of mini breaks to prepare again and relax myself as much as possible and we were ready to go. I was the most relaxed I have ever been! No anxiety and absolutely relaxed!
I always say to Kee that slow and steady wins the race. Prior to my transfer this was the star sign I got! It had to be! I was certain!
It wasn’t to be! As Kee always says, “slow and steady never wins, you have to go hard and fast, it wasn’t the hares fault the tortoise fell asleep”. He is so right!
Here is a picture of Snowy’s my 2 little perfect embryos (babies).
It probably looks like a blob to you! To me, these are what my babies look like. My perfect, precious babies.
So now I’m back at square one!
This next cycle I’m back to hormone injections daily, back for an egg pick up and back to try again for another baby.
So far I have had 53 eggs collected from my body. Of those 53 eggs I’ve created 16 embryos! While those numbers seem stacked against me I am actually very lucky I get that many.
Stimulating our bodies is not a “normal” process. I have created more babies than most women trying naturally with 4 cycles. To your 1 good egg each month to create a baby I have created 16 +. But… I still have no baby!
It’s a hard process to understand. I still try and get my head around the whole process.
Out of 16 embryos I’ve had 5 go on and create a baby, unfortunately ones that don’t continue to grow so my body miscarried them.
That is still a good number! I’m lucky I get that far! Some women don’t get that far so I am blessed and thankful. I really feel for those that can’t.
This time around I was getting a faint positive on 5days post the transfer, by day 7 the line had faded to nothing!
Another embryo that decided to implant but stop growing.
Now I stop meds my body will pass my embryos. 💔
Implanting is a big thing for me. It proves my body can get pregnant. And these embryos showed implantation.
Why does it stop growing? It could be an embryo issue of poor quality, chromosome abnormality or my stupid body fighting it off!
To help with the rejection I take Intralipids and I take prednisone. Steroids. Yucky! I hate steroids. My face becomes fat, my body becomes fat and they keep me awake till all hours! The things we do!
This journey just isn’t fair!
I often get asked ” are you pregnant”? Those words use to hurt but now they are just getting frustrating. I will tell YOU when I am. I know I’ve put on 20kg and I know I often have a very puffy face! This doesn’t mean it’s a baby! It means I’m in my cycle and taking medication that causes these changes in my body. PLEASE I BEG- Don’t ask me am I pregnant!
How ironic I was just walking through the shopping centre and Bonny Tyler’s song “it’s a heartache” blasts over the stereo. I broke down! People must have thought who is that crazy lady. I raced into the car and just cried and cried. This journey sure is a heartache. It’s not only a heartache it’s draining on so many different levels. It’s more then a heartache! It’s brutal! It’s like a stab to the heart almost daily. I often wonder how I’ll cope! But I do! My heart bleeds inside but outside I’m stoic and strong! I breakdown more times than I don’t!
Each failed cycle the stages of grief I go through. I ask myself why? I ask what else I could have done? I ask when will it happen?
I honestly can’t do anything else. I’ve had laparoscopies, hysteroscopies, lipoidal flush, D&C, taken steroids, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, yoga, meditation, Intralipid infusions, changes protocols, been on holidays, tried relaxing, changed medications, had all my bloods tested for DNA, genetics, killer cells… You name it!
Kee is very thorough in his approach to my care and the care of all patients. The man is a genius. My body fails me! Why? If anyone will get me across the line I know it’s going to be with Kee and my beautiful nurse Charlotte. Those 2 are so amazing and don’t realise how much they have helped me in keeping sane through my darkest days and hardest journey I’ve ever had to face.
It’s something I’ll never know is why my body hates me? Why it fails me? Why it won’t give me a baby!
16 fucking embryos! GONE! 53 eggs GONE! How many more fucking embryos will it take? This is absolutely exhausting me and pushing my boundaries to places I’ve not been before. I’m fucking hurting! Hurting bad!
My next cycle I’ll be transferring 17 & 18!
Right now I’ll cry, I’ll lay with Max and we will grieve together and mourn. Days are hard, nights are long and this journey seems endless.
Tomorrow I will be back at work…
Life goes on! It has to! We have so much to look forward to. Especially this weekend supporting my amazing Maxy be a baton bearer and I am so damn proud of him.
I will keep dreaming, praying, hoping, wishing, desperately wanting and longing for our child.
I have been knocked down so many times but I always get back up!
Tomorrow is a new day!
Hang in there Sam!
p.s in the past I have been asked by a lot of people to do a day by day update and videos to really follow my journey. Is this something you all really want? I am happy to chat with Kee and see how much can be filmed for you. I know it’s probably not something everyone is interested in viewing so I’d love to know the amount of people who would like to see in a full stim cycle. From day one, following my whole journey emotions and all.
Raw, honest, and warts and all ❤️
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