Gerri

Following up from our ACA story…

So cycle 6 began early May. A quick run down because not all was mentioned.

Another full stim cycle. More injections, more steroids, and more hormones, this time all being filmed by channel 9.

So stim cycle number 6, cycle number 11 all up!

Monitoring again over the next 11 days to make sure I was responding well to the medications.

Then once I get the go ahead after close monitoring through scans and bloods, it’s time to trigger. This time again my estrogen was over 10,000 so I was changed to a different trigger to reduce my risk of getting ovarian hyper sensitive stimulation and ending up in hospital.

I got 15 eggs, 12 mature, 9 were fertilised. Not my best result, but not bad.

As always it started with me doing my Accupuncture, meditation, and anything possible to relax my body hoping to give myself every chance possible.

Over the duration of the next 5 days my perfect little embryos were looking amazing and growing as per normal.

This lot of embryos we decided to call Gerri. Gerri because it was the name Leila gave to them after seeing my St Gerard pendant I always take to theatre with me.

When it came to Day 5 we got ready and headed into my transfer. Having Accupuncture before and after transfer. 12:15pm arrived and it was time to head to the clinic. I arrived to the news that I had 2 beautiful looking blastocysts to transfer. My 2 perfect little Gerris. They were the best looking embryos I have ever transferred on day 5. All my other 7 embryos that were still growing had either arrested or stopped growing. So I had only 1 that was a possible freeze but they would grow it until day 6 as it wasn’t quite ready yet.

Anyway…. I had these 2 perfect little Gerris transferred.

So the horrible two week wait began again…. It’s the longest wait we have in IVF. Wondering, hoping, wishing, dreaming of what can be and the life we can give a child.

Over the duration every twinge, pulling sensation, aching, sore boobs… We analyse! We analyse every single thing… Except for us going through IVF we are also on progesterone which mimics these symptoms so it can be kind of cruel at times. In IVF cycles we can’t maintain the luteal phase of our cycle and therefore require support. All these little things that unless your doing IVF you don’t even need to think about. Our own progesterone levels can’t be maintained during this part of our cycles so we insert progesterone to help create a healthy environment for a baby to start growing.

I have had so many chances to have these dreams of a wonderful life we could give a child. A total of 60 months, 1825 days! It’s been on my mind constantly.

The following day I had another call from the lab and unfortunately not one embryo made it to freeze. From that moment on I knew there was a lot riding on my Gerris and that if they didn’t create a pregnancy I was back to square one. AGAIN!

Before I go onto my next part of my journey I’d just like to address a few things again for those that may have forgotten or for those that are just plain stupid and will say anything to make themselves feel better while hurting others…

– I started on this journey 5 years ago. 5 years ago I was 49kg! Today I have put on a lot of weight, I know this, and you don’t have to remind me. No, me losing weight will NOT help me concieve a child. I’m on steroids, hormones, estrogen…. You name it! Every single month! So please don’t tell me if I lose weight it might happen! Every single day I am reminded of the person I have become. Every single day I look in the mirror and hate what I see. Every single day I know I am fat! My weight gain is the pressures my body has been under for 5 years, the stress of IVF and hormones. The last 3 years of steroids!

– No we can’t adopt so please don’t even mention that again. For a number of reasons so what a stupid statement!

– No God isn’t telling me I shouldn’t breed! How disgusting that someone could even suggest this. It’s so much easier for people who have kids to sit there and say I shouldn’t have them… I’d love for those people to be in my shoes! Maybe those people shouldn’t breed because all they breed is nastiness. And we have enough of that in this world.

All I can is some people are just arseholes! Plain and simple!

And lastly…..

I wish EVERYONE would stop blaming Max. Max is NOT the reason I can’t have children. The sperm is amazing! My body isn’t. Blame me! Not Max.

Again I always ask Kee about being younger and being pregnant. I aborted that child. How come then it was so easy when now it isn’t… The only answer I get is who is to say I wouldn’t have miscarried that baby also, because I aborted it at such a young age there was no way to know. And now also I must remember my body is over 10 years older.

So back to my Gerris.

The two week wait is horrible!

It came to Day 5 post transfer…

A negative home test…

Then Day 6….

Still a negative home test….

Day 7…..

Again negative….

Day 8 and the day we left for Tasmania…

Still negative 😦

At this point I knew it was all over! I broke down staring at the test with just one single line. All I wished at that point in time was to see two lines. I wanted this so bad. I wanted to be a Mum. Again not this time! Again not this month. Again my precious, beautiful looking embryos didn’t want to stick around with us.

Again a day spent hyperventilating, crying so much that I couldn’t breathe. Why? Why again? What the F is wrong with me? Absolutely heartbreaking! No words can even describe it.

So where to from here?

I’m back at square one again. More injections, more hormones. Cycle number 12, stim cycle number 7!

Chatting with Kee he always has a plan. A way forward. A way to keep me hopeful. Laparoscopy time again! Another operation. My last laparoscopy was in 2016 and I had endometriosis removed. I will be doing the same again this time. After my last laparoscopy my next stim cycle resulted in my twins! I have to pray and hope this next cycle is the same, only with a longer pregnancy.

For the first time ever I have started to try and get my head around egg donation.

Something I’ve never had to think about!

I don’t believe I am quite there yet, and neither does Kee. But I must start to keep all my options open. I joined egg donations Australia in the hope that if it came to it I could find a lovely lady willing to donate her eggs to me.

I must admit after the ACA story I had 6 women want to give me their eggs. This is the most amazing and special gift I believe anyone could ever do for someone else. It helps couples unable be able to have their own children.

I also had 5 guys offer sperm! Thanks but not thanks!

And 2 Women offer to be a surrogate for me. This I am not sure I am at yet but it’s such a beautiful gift to offer to someone.

All the offers I deeply respect and cherish. It’s such a truly amazing gift. I can’t thank those Women enough. You know who you are…

So for now….

I wait again until next month.

No baby growing.

No pregnancy again.

Still contemplating how much I can take.

Still questioning why, what, how….

Still desperately hoping my time will come soon.

Another cycle down.

Another one to start prepping for again.

Maybe it’s time to start considering a donor.

So many thoughts run through my mind each night! It’s so hard to switch off.

But like always Max and I have each other. And that’s all that matters.

We also have the best fertility specialist in Australia looking after us and never giving up on our dream. Kee is as always inspiring in how he keeps me grounded and focused. He is such a caring man. Part of my family now!

I have the best team looking after me. All the nurses, especially my Charlotte, all the embryologist, especially Josh who sings my embryos lullaby’s, Kee the miracle man, and all the other staff at Monash Gold Coast.

So for now I decided when I am going to have my operation. More pain! An operation I’m dreading.

Max and I would love to thank all the support from everyone for our story. We had some beautiful messages from strangers. It really was so special that our story touched so many lives. Over 1million people tuned in to ACA that night! Thankyou to each and every single one of you for always supporting our journey…

For now it continues…

I wish I had more happy news.

Maybe next month?! Maybe!

✌🏻

8 thoughts on “Gerri

  1. Sam you are a warrior and one dsy you became a mum some way or another.please never give up sending love and best wishers
    Hugs
    Melissa

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  2. Sam is such an awful Journey, we are praying that your time will come soon. Everyone deserves a chance to have a baby, dont let anyone make you believe otherwise. So what if Max is so much older, at least you have a loving supportive husband who loves you and is with you in this journey. I know in my support group there is girls who choose to do it on their own, the baby you want will be blessed to have you and Max as parents.
    Keep holding on to your dream, but also holding on to what you have, Your special husband Max as our Men are ones that are our biggest supports through this journey. Thank you for sharing your blog, you inspire and encourage me and i am sure others.
    Sam i as well as so many others are overweight too. I have always had trouble with my weight and i lost weight to do ivf but since having my miracle i have put on a lot of weight and I have problems with my periods now. People say well if you loose weight you will feel so much better but its so hard, i have some good weeks then i fall into a heap again as i get health anxiety. My gp said just to focus on this year with my studdies and my little kindy boy, next year is the year i will have time and space for me. DONT HATE WHAT YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR Your body is amazing, you have so much life to live in your body. I can relate to the feeling MY BODY IS LETTING ME DOWN, i feel that everyday (if only i didn’t put on this much weight), but where is that thought going to get us. My gp said to me just today, think of what your body is doing, even the little things like getting up in the morning and doing things during the day, i know your a nurse and so your body is being used to help others too WHICH IS AMAZING. when i see your picture yes i see a girl who is overweight but i see a beautiful girl who is very special to this world. I am so encourage that you use your journey and put these blogs up to reach out to other people. a lot of people might think you guys are just after the storylines, but NO I believe you are using your story to help and encourage others, I look at your story and say WOW they are so strong to keep on going, you might not feel strong but you guys have to be strong to face this journey once not alone 11 times. KEEP GOING SAM AND MAX, I HAVE EVERYTHING CROSSED THAT YOUR MIRACLE TIME WILL COME. Max i have anxiety of getting old but i look at you and feel you showing the world your only as old as what you think you are, you seem to have so much life in you, look at you makes me feel that getting older will not be so bad.

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  3. Oh Sam I was reading your post so quickly, holding my breath for positive news for you and Max. I’m so very sorry to hear of your heartbreak again. Darling girl – I had two miscarriages before my daughter arrived after an extremely difficult pregnancy and then a very long 8 years and many many miscarriages before my beautiful second daughter arrived, though it was very difficult to get her to the 35 week stage. Never ever give up. Never stop praying or sending it out to the universe or whatever your beliefs tell you. Never. You are in my prayers.

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  4. All the BEST I HOPE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE WITH A HEALTHY HAPPY BUB ,Love to you 💜💕🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽❤️💙

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  5. Sorry to see your cycle wasn’t successful. Just wanted to say cycle 7 (as in full stim cycle 7) was the lucky one for us. Fingers and toes are crossed for you.

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  6. I just wanted to send you love and support. I miscarried this year at 10 weeks (we’d been trying unsuccessfully for 12 months prior to that) and 5 months later we’re now going to be starting IVF. The miscarriage was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced and I have so much love and empathy for what you’re going through. I hope 2018 is a successful year for both of us!

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