Time to share some brutally honest feelings…
Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
My husband and I met in 2010. In 2013 was when we decided maybe we could try for a baby.
2013 passed- NOTHING
2014 passed- NOTHING
2015 passed- NOTHING. In 2015 I was pre occupied with organising our wedding so I didn’t think to much into it.
2016 passed- NOTHING
2017 passed- NOTHING
2018- in process but NOTHING SO FAR.
That is 6 years of trying to have a baby! 6 shit years of my life.
Every single day thinking about a baby, thinking about starting a family, thinking about my future, thinking about me as a Mother. Wanting, wishing, hoping, praying, practically begging to get pregnant.
When we finally sought help in 2015 I was told “you’ll get pregnant more then likely first go”. I was so excited that finally it could all be over. Finally my dream.
That cycle was an absolute failure. So I decided then and there I needed to see the best. I needed someone who would work towards getting me pregnant in the quickest possible time. Which is how I found Kee.
Since seeing Kee my cycles have improved. My egg quality getting better, my number of eggs collected each cycle is great, my AMH still good for my age, operations to rule everything out, multiple blood tests, and even getting pregnant 4 times! Without Kee I wonder if any of this progress would have ever been possible. I highly doubt it would have been. While I’m still not a Mother we have discovered problems as we go which are quickly rectified.
2017 being the year I would get pregnant, then miscarry, get pregnant again, then miscarry again, get pregnant again, then miscarry, get pregnant again and then lose my twins. A fucked up year! My whole life was shattered that year. Unsure of how I could keep going I relied heavily on my village of people. My village that make this journey that slight bit easier.
I’m not sure how I did it in 2017 but I managed to get through it. I was dealing with some heavy losses, so much hatred towards myself, high anxiety levels, stress and all the while getting up, going to work, carrying on with life as if nothing was happening. How could I possibly continue to hate myself? People use to say! Easy! I hate looking in the mirror seeing a woman that can’t carry a child, a woman that has put on 30kg in 3 years, a woman who’s body keeps rejecting embryos, a woman who was deeply hurting. I am still deeply hurting. Each and every single day. It’s the bane of my existence.
Most days people wouldn’t know what’s going on in my head. I smile, I laugh and I pretend I am ok. Most days I think I disguise well my true feelings.
I am still trying to keep that spark in there. Samantha, the happy go lucky girl, with minimal cares in the world, always wanting to have fun and a joke. That girl. I often see glimmers of her but then she disappears when I am quickly reminded of my day to day torture. My life that currently still is.
I always ask myself, if there really is a God, why is he so bloody cruel to some people? I don’t think any person would ever be this cruel. I’m sure for all my bad things I have done in my life all the sins I have sinned I have made up with the hurt and pain I have felt over 6 years.
Was it because when I was younger and not ready to be a Mother I got rid of that baby? Quite possibly now one of the biggest mistakes of my life. That baby I didn’t even need to think about, I didn’t even need to try for. It just happened.
Trying to have a baby is not something that should be so hard. It’s part of what we learn. You get married and you have a baby. We learn that a woman carries a baby. We don’t learn how hard it can be, we don’t learn that endometriosis can stop this happening and cause huge effects on egg quality and implantation, we don’t learn that sometimes people need to seek help. When I was taught sex education we were never told about IVF or the options available to couples so as a baby can be conceived. Why is it so taboo?
Maybe if people spoke about it more it wouldn’t be so shameful.
My life for the past 3 nearly 4 years has been on hold.
No overseas trips as planned, no holiday to Europe as planned… A complete hold on life. Just in case…
Why would I do this to myself? Because we do. We do this because it may be our time. This next transfer may be my take home baby. What if I’m overseas and I’m pregnant? What if I miscarry overseas? What if….. So many what ifs… IVF rules your whole being. Your every thought is consumed by trying to work out the best plan for you. The best way forward. Buying vitamins because you never know, maybe that’s what will work for you, doing Accupuncture because we are lead to believe it helps with egg quality and blood flow to the uterus, eating Brazil nuts and pineapple cores, reading every single article on IVF because maybe that’s what you need to add to your next cycle which may just help, trawling through social media groups seeing what worked for everyone else and throwing these ideas at your specialist. Who knows, what worked for them may be exactly what you need. It’s like some cruel mind game. A game you just can’t get past the next level.
Having Infertility is like the jokes on us.
That’s how we feel.
Ironic that each failed cycle without a doubt someone tells you they are pregnant.
Friends and family around you having children after having sex just once!
While your happy for people, deep down there is a pain that aches, yearns and is desperately wishing it was you sharing that news, feeling those feelings, having morning sickness, watching a belly grow, feeling a baby kick, watching them move and wave at scans. But, each month it isn’t you!
Everywhere you go, around you it seems all there is are children, babies, pregnant women.. I never noticed it as much until recently. Each party you attend your the one without the kids… Or your not invited to parties because you are the one without the kid.
During this journey I’ve lost all my dignity.
Having my legs in stirrups multiple times and someone staring into my private bits. Generally it’s Kee Ong who does this for a living so I don’t have to worry much about what I look like, if I have maintained and does my vagina look different to everyone else’s. Like all Drs I guess once you have seen one you have seen them all. But these are the thoughts. While I also work in theatres and see many women in these vulnerable positions it’s different when it’s me.
Most of the Drs I work with every single day have seen me naked. Crazy thought but true.
These Men and Women I work with on a daily basis have helped me so much through my journey. To be surrounded by the best Drs, anaesthetists and nurses, I count my lucky stars I am privileged enough to have them in my village. These people are so kind and caring towards me. I feel like I owe so much to them. I have made some amazing life long friends from this shit journey and for that I am forever grateful.
Financially it’s cost us a fortune! To get the best treatment it costs the most money. In regards to service I always say that you get what you pay for. Paying for my treatment while I hate it, costs so much money, the treatment I am given by Kee is above and beyond. Some of my darkest days have been saved by him. Some days crying in his office, confused, begging, frustrated, angry…
Most people will tell you they have the best specialist. I will beg to differ and fight you until I’m black and blue. My specialist is the best. No one ever gives so much time to their patients. Out of hours, weekends, even on holidays… He answers my calls for help and guides me back to why I’m here. He saves me from the hole that is surrounding me and makes me feel like I’m sinking.
Which brings me to why I’m here….
I never really thought of myself much as a Motherly figure. I only really wanted children when I was 28. Prior to that my life priorities were which nightclub or festival I was going to that weekend. I wanted to create my own family. My own village of love.
You know the feeling I hear of unconditional love, the feelings of watching a human you created grow and experience life’s experiences, the feelings of having them grow inside you, then the feelings of birth. The daily photos, the milestones…. All those things? That’s why I’m doing this.
That’s why every day of every month for the last 6 years I have put myself through injections, shoving things into all orifices each month, laying there with legs in the air, having operation after operation just in case we missed something, sitting for 4 hours while intralipids run, taking steroids, the weight gain, the money loss, the heart ache, the miscarriages, the hope, loss of sleep and lack of self confidence. All to have those exact same feelings that you do, looking at your child. The human being you created.
Will I ever experience these same feelings? I am not sure. Wouldn’t it be great to have a magic ball telling us what our future holds.
While I know right now my immediate future is unsure I hope my long term one has blessings with a baby.
I have lots of tricks left before I give up.
One being using a lovely lady as my egg donor. While I haven’t ruled this out, at the moment I don’t need it. I have a lovely lady ready and waiting. Her offering this was the kindest, most special gift anyone could ever offer. Again through this journey I have made some amazing friends and connections. She is not someone I know personally but to have this offered to me to help me, brought me to tears. She has witnessed the pain and suffering I have endured and wants to take that away from me allowing me to feel those feelings I said above. Truly special anyone who is willing to do this for someone else so it takes away the hurt and pain and gives us the experiences of motherhood. These women are my hero’s. Gifts from God in hard times. If you ever think you could be one of these people please let me know. I know so many women waiting for someone to come and help them.
If out of all of this I can praise myself for something it’s for the determination of never giving up. Living with that glimmer of hope that my time is coming. Despite all my losses, 18embryos, I still feel that glimmer. I still see a future with children. I never knew how much determination and resilience I had. No one knows how much pressure they can handle until handling it is your only option. Never underestimate the power of wanting something so desperately. What we will put ourselves through to achieve that dream.
Until it’s my time I’ll keep going. I’ll keep trying. I’ll keep praying. I’ll keep begging that maybe next month.
I will keep smiling, joking around and basically breathing until I can become one of you.