All I want for Christmas!

It’s taken me a while to write this blog because I had to come to the realisation that 2018 was not to be my year AGAIN.

I have taken a lot of soul searching time and I am ok with deciding that I want a rest and I will try again next year.

In October I did another full stim cycle. Another cycle of injections and hormones. Stim cycle number 7. So far my best one yet.

I tried a new follicle stimulating hormone called pergoveris. Kee loves it and I can see why.

So again I did my injections daily, although this time it was twice daily. I went for scans and bloods and then I had my egg pick up.

I remember waking up in recovery and normally we have a number written on our hand but this time there was nothing! I was absolutely devastated. I cried and thankfully within my post anaesthetic haze the nurse told me that he hadn’t finished counting yet. Kee came out and wrote 13 on my hand. I balled my eyes out again. I just couldn’t believe it! Not sure what I was so upset about but I was. 13 is good right? I think the problem is we anticipate so much on this journey and always want so much more to give us the best possible chances of each cycle. What we often forget is that we want quality embryos and eggs not quantity.

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That night again I was in the Emergency department and admitted to hospital with over stimulation of my ovaries and severe pain.

This journey is just tough on my body. I still wonder how it bounces back month after month, cycle after cycle and keeps producing eggs.

My maturity report from 13 eggs collected was 9. Meaning 9 were mature enough to be injected with sperm to create my embryos. Each phone call from the lab is the unknown. You hope it’s going to be a nice phone call with good news but it’s not always like that. 9! I was sort of happy with that. Again, I always want higher numbers to better my chances.

When you get numbers you have to realise that whatever number I have is good and gives me a chance, some poor women don’t get any numbers and that must be soul destroying.

9 chances I had! I quickly stop myself from being selfish.

Each day we get a phone call- next phone call was to tell me 8 of the 9 had fertilised. Then as the 5 days progressed I still had 8! Fantastic news I thought. Day 4 still 8. Day 5 which is transfer day I had I had 7. 1 had arrested over night and stopped growing.

Over the duration of the 5 days post egg pick up we have to put progesterone in to support our luteal phase and it all just becomes one stress after the after.

Transfer day came…

5 of my 7 embryos had made it to blastocyst (perfect) and I had 2 transferred and 3 put in the freezer. My best ever cycle! Straight away I told Kee pergoveris was my friend! I was very apprehensive at the start to try Pergoveris because I don’t like changing and trying new things when I knew my body responded well to Menopur. But I left it up to the best and again he was right. So on transfer day he just laughed at me and said see!

then again the dreaded two week wait. Of course Day 6/7 came by and I tested. Stark white staring back at me. My heart just sank. Not again.

Don’t give up I always think yet deep down I know the odds are against me.

I’m always telling people to not give up yet here I am doing what I say not to do. In all honesty each month staring at a white pregnancy test is the hardest most frustrating thing I’ve put myself through. When you desperately want something yet can’t get it, it becomes frustrating. The heart break turns to anger then you do the stages of grief again. Each and every single month.

For those that found this easy be thankful that what you have is a beautiful gift. So many women struggle and some never get a baby.

Putting into words desperation is hard. How hard I fight, how much I want to hold my baby. It’s hard for me to describe.

While I know my turn will happen soon- WHEN?

Life is cruel.

Infertility is crueler

My journey is the cruelest.

While I wake up most mornings smiling and thankful that I can breathe and have an amazing life, deep down I hide a pain and sufferance that is deep within my soul and it aches. It hurts!

Christmas is a time for celebrating, a time for happiness and remembering what it was like for me as child. Christmas for me was full of fun and great memories. I loved Christmas as a child. This is something I want to experience with my own children. I still love Christmas as an adult.

Each Christmas all I wish for is a baby.

2015- No, 2016- No, 2017- No, 2018- No…

Maybe 2019!

I can be thankful for a few things and that is that I do have a great life. I’m very fortunate to have amazing people in my life, who love and support me through the good and bad times. I have an amazing husband, I have a great specialist looking after me and I have a great job.

I wake up each day, I get to go on holidays, I have 2 beautiful dogs and for this I’m very lucky.

Sadie my little puppy dog came at exactly the right time.

She came during a time of mourning another year of failures and needing to find who I am and what I’m doing. Sadie is a beautiful little puppy just like her big brother Pinot who has been my best mate for the past 6 years of hard times.

This blog comes at a time where lately I have had a lot of friends around me announce pregnancies. It’s been hard to put down how I feel when each time my heart is happy for them but wishes so badly it was me. Your heart just sinks. I hate being jealous, but this journey has made me feel that way at times.

I can’t wait to get to Sydney in 2weeks and spend time with my Mum and Dad and my friends and start to enjoy the year that was. The year of 2018.

Max and I are off to Sydney for Christmas then overseas for New Year which we are both very much looking forward to and which is the reason why I decided that for the end of 2018 I was going to rest, find me and not worry about my journey until 2019. I have 3 in the freezer so that for me is great! No stim cycles.

Statistics for my age say that 1/5 should create a baby. So 1 of the 3 in the freezer has to be my baby πŸ™πŸ» it just has to be! Life couldn’t be any more crueler. I really hope and pray more than 1 is.

I’m getting to the end of the road where I have decided that if cycle number 7 or 8 don’t work for me then I am giving up. It’s been a hard decision to make but I can’t keep going. I can’t keep putting my self through this each and every single month of every year. Maybe being a Mum is just not what I’m meant to be. While it’s tough to imagine it’s something I have to finally do. Coming to a decision to finally say enough is enough has been hard for me. I never thought that I would still be here doing this and still without a baby. Finding the balance between what I want, and what I can’t have has been hard mentally. But I am at peace with what I have decided.

When I get to the end of cycle 8 and still don’t have a baby I am certain the anxiety will kick in, but I’ll work through that.

At least I can say one thing I gave it a go. I gave it my best.

I always said I wouldn’t put a time on how much I would take. I have finally come to peace with deciding what is best for me.

All I can say is that I pray and desperately beg that within the next 2 cycles I get a baby. πŸ™πŸ»

So for 2018 I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.

2018 has been full of growth for me. Finding out what’s important, focusing on me and not worrying about things and people that aren’t important in my life, letting go of toxic and welcoming change.

Starting a new job, travelling, moving house, getting Sadie, welcoming new and amazing people into my life and just enjoying every day I can.

While again I write-

93 eggs

7 stim cycles

21 embryos transferred

4 miscarriages

Many chemical pregnancies

Lots of heartache!

Still no baby!

3 in the freezer.

2018 hasn’t been my year, but by God I hope 2019 will be.

Hopefully 2019 I can bring happy blogs with lots of good news but for now.. All I want for Christmas 😒

2 thoughts on “All I want for Christmas!

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