Here I am 5 months later.
Not even sure how I can write a blog when I feel trapped like I can barely breathe.
It’s been a while since my last update back in December and a few months of that was spent away spending time with Max and family and regrouping on the year that was 2018, the year that will be 2019 and what we plan to keep doing.
In that time we went overseas, we bought a house and we also have our precious little Sadie Mae who joined our family to keep her brother Pinot company. Dogs are the best and these 2 are extra special.
Skip forward to March 21, 2019. World Harmony day!
I decided I’d had enough time off IVF and I had 3 frozen babies waiting for me so we decided we would try again.
This cycle the kitchen sink was thrown at me. All was looking well for my transfer. So on world Harmony day we transferred 2 perfect blastocysts. These 2 I decided would be called Harmony (of course).
Then begins the two week wait! Again!
These precious embryos were from cycle number 7 which I did back in October 2018. Embryos number 20 & 21 transferred.
This cycle was steroids AGAIN, clexane injections, aspirin, progynova, and the dreaded progesterone supposetries which sure enough take away any dignity when 4 times a day I have to put on a glove and insert bullets into my bottom just to be able to maintain a pregnancy.
Those that are fortunate enough to be able to conceive naturally, never take this for granted. If you only had a slight glimpse into what we go through it would deeply shock you what we do to ourselves just to be able to hang on to 1 baby that comes so easily to some. Injections, hormones, weight gain, shoving things up front and back orifices.. All these things you truly don’t understand unless you need to have a baby with the help of science. Your vagina gets sore (sorry) your bum stings from shoving progesterone in there, the last thing you feel is sexy let alone being intimate with your partner. You leak out sticky wax and make a mess of every single pair of undies you own so it’s either get out the old daggy pairs or shove a pad in just so you don’t ruin underwear!
All the while you feel like a failure and less of a Woman simply because you have to go through this.
Just to be able to have what you have.
They are just pictures of my stomach, my bruising.
So we go back to the Two week wait!
During this time I try and remain calm, I try and keep myself busy but sometimes it’s hard. Constantly in the back of your mind your feeling every twinge, looking for symptoms that may not even exist but begging and praying they do.
Generally around day 5 post transfer I start to pee on a stick.
So nothing changed this cycle!
And there they were!
2 beautiful pink lines! 2 lines that were progressing as each day went past.
Excitedly showing Max, texting Kee but deep down knowing I had a long way to go yet.
After 6dp I decided not to test anymore. I decided for once I wanted to be excited in the moment that was. Be excited that for now I was pregnant. Be excited that the kitchen sink being thrown at me had worked! I couldn’t believe it!
I went for bloods early.
9days post when normally we don’t do bloods until 11 days post transfer.
1st HCG 78
I was stoked! But cautious.
2nd bloods at 11dp 94
I was sad, angry, depressed and confused.
3rd bloods 13dp was 116.
Again I couldn’t believe it!
Think of it this way. At this point you wouldn’t even know your pregnant. In IVF world we do.
In IVF world we are also taught that bloods “should” double every 48hours. Mine clearly weren’t.
My first thought was ectopic or blighted ovum!
I was told to stay on meds. Which I couldn’t understand because I knew it was delaying the inevitable.
I had to try and get my head around the fact that this cycle was very different. Normally my bloods are off the charts. High HCG levels.
This cycle very different.
From 15dp they started to double, but only just.
So I thought ok, maybe this can work.
I was rushed in for another intralipids to see if that would help.
I asked Kee straight out what are my chances?
He told me has seen this go either way, I had to be patient, I had to keep hope and I had to stay on my meds.
I asked him if this wasn’t the IVF world and it was a naturally conceived baby would he be happy? If I saw my GP my first bloods would have been 360 so of course they would have been happy and I wouldn’t have even known the stresses of them not doubling in the first week.
So I sat with Max and we decided I was going to give Harmony every chance. What if Harmony was the take home baby and I have given up on them?
So at 6 weeks I went in for a scan.
My heart beating so fast, praying it wasn’t growing in one of my tubes, praying there was a sac. All you can do is pray!
And there Harmony was!
A sac, with a yolk sac, growing in my uterus!
I couldn’t believe it.
I was shaking!
I went back at 7 weeks and there little Harmony had a perfect heart beat and was measuring perfectly.
The flicker on the screen is the best sight you will ever see.
Your growing a baby.
Your actually growing a human, one you both created.
It’s the prettiest picture, with the most amazing Sound.
Max and I left Kees office stoked. Happy. Cheering. We couldn’t believe it. Harmony was proving us wrong.
We were going to be parents on the 7th December 2019.
This cycle we decided to keep very private. So please don’t take offence. I didn’t even tell my Mum and Dad.
My parents have been through so much heartbreak over the past year that I couldn’t bare to let them down again, and I knew that I wanted to share this good news with them when all was ok.
It runs through my head how I will really tell them. It’s all we all want. They have 1 granddaughter already but unfortunately that happiness was taken away from them. It still is.
I can’t wait to be able to share with my Mum and Dad that they will have a grandchild, that I want them there, that I want them heavily involved, that I want my Mum there guiding me with Max while I give birth, that my Dad will have the first cuddle, all of these wishes and hopes. Max and I talk about it at great length.
So as I continue to grow Harmony these thoughts go through your mind.
Your birthing plan, names, what they will look like, what life will be like, what the nursery will look like…. The exact same thoughts any woman and couple have once they find out they are pregnant. You start preparing for life with another person.
I started having nightmares. But I put it down to my anxiety.
Due to my recurrent miscarriage history my heart gets protected by me but my mind has other plans and I can’t stop thinking horrible thoughts.
I kept dreaming I had a missed miscarriage.
Unfortunately for me it was the weekend and Kee was in Hong Kong, so I had to wait 3 days to get a scan. I couldn’t put my anxiety to rest until Monday.
Max and I went in for the scan yesterday.
My heart racing, it always does.
I lay in the chair, legs up, probe put in to look at Harmony.
I couldn’t even look at Kee.
Eventually I had to uncover my eyes.
I knew it!
I could see the look on his face.
The look that no Dr ever wants to tell their patient.
I knew my world was crumbling.
I knew my hopes and wishes again shattered.
I looked to Max for comfort.
He was pacing.
I wouldn’t be giving my Mum and Dad good news.
Instead it was news I was miscarrying!
Number Fucking 5 baby!
I don’t understand.
Those words, “I’m sorry your baby doesn’t have a heart beat” I have heard way to many times before, that it’s even cruel.
There I was laying in the chair hoping that it was still all a bad dream. Praying I was still asleep and this was all part of the nightmare and that I would wake up and it would all be ok.
It was real.
Max and I just cried and cried.
How can my body tell me it’s still pregnant, give me all the symptoms of a pregnancy yet in my uterus was my deceased baby? Is that some fucking sick joke?
obviously not! Because that’s what happens.
My little Harmony decided at 8 weeks to stop growing so for a whole extra week and 3 days I was still happy I had a baby, oblivious to the fact that it no longer had a heart beat, yet I still did! Oblivious that inside my uterus I was carrying an angel baby that my body couldn’t even miscarry. Yet still gave me signs of me being pregnant. My body letting me down again.
So yesterday I was taken to Gold Coast Private to have a procedure called a suction curette.
All my colleagues looking after me AGAIN as I went to sleep while my baby was taken from me.
Basically they rid of the contents of conception for you.
No funeral for my babies, no time to hold them, no time to grieve with them instead all of my angel babies have been sent to a lab to be tested. Then I don’t even want to imagine what they do with them once tested. But they are my babies! Harmony was no different, so she was put in a jar to be sent away for testing.
To me they are everything to science they are just a number.
Being poked and prodded to find out what was wrong with them.
To me I heard their heart beats. They heard mine
To me they were the most precious gift in this world.
Yet they just get discarded of like they don’t even matter!
So here I am today.
And not pregnant anymore.
Yesterday I was 9 weeks and 3 days pregnant.
Today I have nothing to show but a cramping tummy and body that feels empty.
This journey has been so cruel to us. I ask every single day why?
It has tried to bring me down so many times.
Pushed me to my limits.
Shown me what resilience really is.
Proven how much fight I have in me.
Brought Max and I closer together.
But also tried to push us so far apart.
It won’t work, it won’t beat us, we won’t let it.
Today I can barely breathe, it hurts, I can barely think, it hurts, I can barely move, it hurts.
Tomorrow I hope will be a better day.
All I know is I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me.
But deep down I’ll find it.
I only grew you for nearly 10 weeks Harmony but I loved you ever so much.
My perfect forever Angel.
Please give me the strength to keep going.
In the mean time we will look to Kee for answers and support.