Harmony!

Here I am 5 months later.

Not even sure how I can write a blog when I feel trapped like I can barely breathe.

It’s been a while since my last update back in December and a few months of that was spent away spending time with Max and family and regrouping on the year that was 2018, the year that will be 2019 and what we plan to keep doing.

In that time we went overseas, we bought a house and we also have our precious little Sadie Mae who joined our family to keep her brother Pinot company. Dogs are the best and these 2 are extra special.

Skip forward to March 21, 2019. World Harmony day!

I decided I’d had enough time off IVF and I had 3 frozen babies waiting for me so we decided we would try again.

This cycle the kitchen sink was thrown at me. All was looking well for my transfer. So on world Harmony day we transferred 2 perfect blastocysts. These 2 I decided would be called Harmony (of course).

Then begins the two week wait! Again!

These precious embryos were from cycle number 7 which I did back in October 2018. Embryos number 20 & 21 transferred.

This cycle was steroids AGAIN, clexane injections, aspirin, progynova, and the dreaded progesterone supposetries which sure enough take away any dignity when 4 times a day I have to put on a glove and insert bullets into my bottom just to be able to maintain a pregnancy.

Those that are fortunate enough to be able to conceive naturally, never take this for granted. If you only had a slight glimpse into what we go through it would deeply shock you what we do to ourselves just to be able to hang on to 1 baby that comes so easily to some. Injections, hormones, weight gain, shoving things up front and back orifices.. All these things you truly don’t understand unless you need to have a baby with the help of science. Your vagina gets sore (sorry) your bum stings from shoving progesterone in there, the last thing you feel is sexy let alone being intimate with your partner. You leak out sticky wax and make a mess of every single pair of undies you own so it’s either get out the old daggy pairs or shove a pad in just so you don’t ruin underwear!

All the while you feel like a failure and less of a Woman simply because you have to go through this.

Just to be able to have what you have.

They are just pictures of my stomach, my bruising.

So we go back to the Two week wait!

During this time I try and remain calm, I try and keep myself busy but sometimes it’s hard. Constantly in the back of your mind your feeling every twinge, looking for symptoms that may not even exist but begging and praying they do.

Generally around day 5 post transfer I start to pee on a stick.

So nothing changed this cycle!

And there they were!

2 beautiful pink lines! 2 lines that were progressing as each day went past.

Excitedly showing Max, texting Kee but deep down knowing I had a long way to go yet.

After 6dp I decided not to test anymore. I decided for once I wanted to be excited in the moment that was. Be excited that for now I was pregnant. Be excited that the kitchen sink being thrown at me had worked! I couldn’t believe it!

I went for bloods early.

9days post when normally we don’t do bloods until 11 days post transfer.

1st HCG 78

I was stoked! But cautious.

2nd bloods at 11dp 94

I was sad, angry, depressed and confused.

3rd bloods 13dp was 116.

Again I couldn’t believe it!

Think of it this way. At this point you wouldn’t even know your pregnant. In IVF world we do.

In IVF world we are also taught that bloods “should” double every 48hours. Mine clearly weren’t.

My first thought was ectopic or blighted ovum!

I was told to stay on meds. Which I couldn’t understand because I knew it was delaying the inevitable.

I had to try and get my head around the fact that this cycle was very different. Normally my bloods are off the charts. High HCG levels.

This cycle very different.

From 15dp they started to double, but only just.

So I thought ok, maybe this can work.

I was rushed in for another intralipids to see if that would help.

I asked Kee straight out what are my chances?

He told me has seen this go either way, I had to be patient, I had to keep hope and I had to stay on my meds.

I asked him if this wasn’t the IVF world and it was a naturally conceived baby would he be happy? If I saw my GP my first bloods would have been 360 so of course they would have been happy and I wouldn’t have even known the stresses of them not doubling in the first week.

So I sat with Max and we decided I was going to give Harmony every chance. What if Harmony was the take home baby and I have given up on them?

So at 6 weeks I went in for a scan.

My heart beating so fast, praying it wasn’t growing in one of my tubes, praying there was a sac. All you can do is pray!

And there Harmony was!

A sac, with a yolk sac, growing in my uterus!

I couldn’t believe it.

I was shaking!

I went back at 7 weeks and there little Harmony had a perfect heart beat and was measuring perfectly.

The flicker on the screen is the best sight you will ever see.

Your growing a baby.

Your actually growing a human, one you both created.

It’s the prettiest picture, with the most amazing Sound.

Max and I left Kees office stoked. Happy. Cheering. We couldn’t believe it. Harmony was proving us wrong.

We were going to be parents on the 7th December 2019.

This cycle we decided to keep very private. So please don’t take offence. I didn’t even tell my Mum and Dad.

My parents have been through so much heartbreak over the past year that I couldn’t bare to let them down again, and I knew that I wanted to share this good news with them when all was ok.

It runs through my head how I will really tell them. It’s all we all want. They have 1 granddaughter already but unfortunately that happiness was taken away from them. It still is.

I can’t wait to be able to share with my Mum and Dad that they will have a grandchild, that I want them there, that I want them heavily involved, that I want my Mum there guiding me with Max while I give birth, that my Dad will have the first cuddle, all of these wishes and hopes. Max and I talk about it at great length.

So as I continue to grow Harmony these thoughts go through your mind.

Your birthing plan, names, what they will look like, what life will be like, what the nursery will look like…. The exact same thoughts any woman and couple have once they find out they are pregnant. You start preparing for life with another person.

I started having nightmares. But I put it down to my anxiety.

Due to my recurrent miscarriage history my heart gets protected by me but my mind has other plans and I can’t stop thinking horrible thoughts.

I kept dreaming I had a missed miscarriage.

Unfortunately for me it was the weekend and Kee was in Hong Kong, so I had to wait 3 days to get a scan. I couldn’t put my anxiety to rest until Monday.

Max and I went in for the scan yesterday.

My heart racing, it always does.

I lay in the chair, legs up, probe put in to look at Harmony.

I couldn’t even look at Kee.

Eventually I had to uncover my eyes.

I knew it!

I could see the look on his face.

The look that no Dr ever wants to tell their patient.

I knew my world was crumbling.

I knew my hopes and wishes again shattered.

I looked to Max for comfort.

He was pacing.

Crying.

I wouldn’t be giving my Mum and Dad good news.

Instead it was news I was miscarrying!

Again.

Number Fucking 5 baby!

Why?

How?

I don’t understand.

Those words, “I’m sorry your baby doesn’t have a heart beat” I have heard way to many times before, that it’s even cruel.

There I was laying in the chair hoping that it was still all a bad dream. Praying I was still asleep and this was all part of the nightmare and that I would wake up and it would all be ok.

Nope.

It was real.

Max and I just cried and cried.

How can my body tell me it’s still pregnant, give me all the symptoms of a pregnancy yet in my uterus was my deceased baby? Is that some fucking sick joke?

obviously not! Because that’s what happens.

My little Harmony decided at 8 weeks to stop growing so for a whole extra week and 3 days I was still happy I had a baby, oblivious to the fact that it no longer had a heart beat, yet I still did! Oblivious that inside my uterus I was carrying an angel baby that my body couldn’t even miscarry. Yet still gave me signs of me being pregnant. My body letting me down again.

So yesterday I was taken to Gold Coast Private to have a procedure called a suction curette.

All my colleagues looking after me AGAIN as I went to sleep while my baby was taken from me.

Basically they rid of the contents of conception for you.

No funeral for my babies, no time to hold them, no time to grieve with them instead all of my angel babies have been sent to a lab to be tested. Then I don’t even want to imagine what they do with them once tested. But they are my babies! Harmony was no different, so she was put in a jar to be sent away for testing.

To me they are everything to science they are just a number.

My babies.

Being poked and prodded to find out what was wrong with them.

To me I heard their heart beats. They heard mine

To me they were the most precious gift in this world.

Yet they just get discarded of like they don’t even matter!

So here I am today.

Broken,

Empty,

Shattered,

Confused,

Scared,

And not pregnant anymore.

Yesterday I was 9 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

Today I have nothing to show but a cramping tummy and body that feels empty.

This journey has been so cruel to us. I ask every single day why?

It has tried to bring me down so many times.

Pushed me to my limits.

Shown me what resilience really is.

Proven how much fight I have in me.

Brought Max and I closer together.

But also tried to push us so far apart.

It won’t work, it won’t beat us, we won’t let it.

Today I can barely breathe, it hurts, I can barely think, it hurts, I can barely move, it hurts.

Tomorrow I hope will be a better day.

All I know is I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me.

Not much

But deep down I’ll find it.

I only grew you for nearly 10 weeks Harmony but I loved you ever so much.

My perfect forever Angel.

Please give me the strength to keep going.

In the mean time we will look to Kee for answers and support.

9 thoughts on “Harmony!

  1. There are no words to comfort you both.
    If uttered would be cliche anyway.
    Instead look at the blessings you do have,a loving husband and family and friends your poocherinos and of course all of us.
    Your are healthy and strong and will recover from this a bit sadder yes but a lot more wiser and determined.
    You will succeed.
    Its your destiny.You have never given up before thats whats made you who you are and got you where you are.
    So mourn and scream at the stars n moon.
    Heal.yourself emotionally spiritually and physically.
    Then when you are ready go for it..
    The most successfull people in life are the ones who make the most mistakes have the most failures yet DO NOT let them define NO they pick themselves up dust themselves off and keep on fighting and trying until they succeed.
    Just like you xx.

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    1. Daren great advice and also God gives the challenges to the strongest of beings Sam and Max I can’t imagine the heartache your facing along with everyone but just remember you must stay strong never give up. I pray to God to complete your lovely family hopefully😘😘

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  2. Sam and Max, i am so sorry to read this . I was reading and thought wow! It’s finally happened for them. I’m so so sorry, my heart aches for you. I myself had / have endo, eventually needing a hysterectomy. I had my first baby when i was 18, 2nd at 20 and third at 24, hysterectomy at 33.

    In hindsight the best thing that ever happened to me was falling pregnant at 18 when i was trying not to. I lost 2 babies, it didn’t matter that i had kids, it hurt like hell, i can only imagine what you’re going through Sam.

    Keep strong and I’m sending all good thoughts and wishes to you for your next try.

    Lots of love
    Rach

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  3. Sam I can’t even imagine what you and Max are going through and I just don’t know what to say.
    Sending you and Max all my our love.
    See you both soon..xxxxx

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  4. Dear Sam, I am very sorry to know that this happened. I also had a miscarriage last month from my fet at 6 weeks and it was very hard. Just wanted give you my support and love. One thing, does Monash do PGS for embryos? Because it may help to screen for unhealthy embryos so that you won’t need to go through the difficult process of implanting and then not working out. Sending you lots of love..

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  5. I’m so very sorry Sam & Max, my heart breaks for you. It is a cruel journey.

    I’m so glad though to hear you’re not letting this beat you, your resilience is inspiring and with your strength I believe you will get there. Thank-you both for sharing and spreading this message in your time of sadness.

    Please take the time you both need to grieve, re-group, and start the fight again. The reward is too good not to put everything you have into this. You are still young, have too much fight, and great science behind you to be beaten.

    My battle was not nearly as tough, but it was enough to turn life on its head for me, I have 5 years of my life completely blank of any memories, no new experiences, friends lost because I was living in my own world, the obsessive daily search to find the formula to success (pycnogenol for him, progesterone for me fyi) a complete personality change from carefree, polite and timid, to obnoxious rude bitch (which I’m still trying to stuff back into her hole), and mostly just a deep hatred for anybody who doesn’t have to go through this to have a baby with their beloved!!! Even now I feel the twinge of envy whenever I hear a pregnancy announcement. I know now this is the disease they call infertility, and I’m not alone, just as you’re not.

    Sorry for the essay, but I just wanted to give you a half-time rev up (cue Dessy in the sheds ripping doors off ), you got this team!!

    Xx

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  6. So sorry to hear.

    7th December is the anniversary of the day I finally became a mum, after 4 known miscarriages, that is, pregnancies that were medically confirmed. There were 3 other “late periods” that were probably early miscarriages.

    But back in the 1970s things were so very different. No sticks to pee on. It was a case of wait to miss a period, then wait at least another 2 weeks (some doctors insisted on 2 missed periods) to drop off a urine sample to the doctor then wait 24 hours for a phone call to say if you were pregnant. A negative result could mean that you were pregnant but levels not high enough to detect.

    Otherwise, as happened to me, wait till 10-12 weeks for a blood test for a definite answer.

    Then cross your fingers and hope. No scans.

    A missed miscarriage (I had two) meant waiting while spotting or bleeding went on for a couple of weeks until other pregnancy symptoms disappeared before a curette was performed.

    But when I read of the processes you endure, in some ways we had it easier. But of course there was not much in the way if Plan B – just some unreliable fertility drugs that often resulted in multiple births (9 in one sad case where all died after premature birth).

    Take time to grieve, then dust yourself off and have another go! I got there in the end, and your chances are better as you have so much more medical assistance today.
    xxx

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