Is there really even a God?

Sometimes I think not!

How in life can 2 people be thrown so much bad luck and be expected to go on?

Just 3 months ago we decided to try another cycle. Of course! Silly me!

This time we would test every embryo before we transferred it which would give us the best possible chance and rule out any bad ones before we even transferred them, limiting our chance of miscarriage and guaranteeing us 85% success. The odds were surely in our favour, right?

12 weeks ago (at the same time) we got the news that Max’s heart was in complete heart failure and he would need emergency open heart surgery.

We both looked at each other, stunned. How would he cope.

How would I do my IVF, be with him, help him, complete Uni assignments, work, but more importantly my main focus was Max and his health.

We managed!

Because you do, you have too.

So what was to be my 8th stim cycle and possibly my last with own eggs, was underway. We could have halted, or cancelled, but we didn’t.

I got so sick. I’m not sure if it was stress or the fact I had the worst head cold I’ve had in years. But boy I was sick and stuck in bed for a week.

Still despite this we carried on.

Max amazes me. His strength, determination and fight is just astounding. His outlook on life is what keeps me sane in a cruel world.

We went into egg collection.

13 eggs collected

10 fertilised

1 just 1 made it to day 6 and was sent away for testing.

1! I couldn’t believe it. My worst cycle. Aside from my first. But my worst cycle.

I was in disbelief. So much riding on this cycle to be perfect.

So much riding on this 1 embryo to be perfect.

In the mean time. Max had his surgery and ended up as we know in an induced coma for 10 days.

My heart was breaking.

I kept praying for Max. I had forgotten about the embryo.

Finally a call came from Monash in Adelaide. I was sitting at Max’s bedside holding his hand and hoping he was going to wake up.

I remember when the lovely scientist phoned I first off said please don’t tell me anymore bad news. It kept rolling it and my head and heart couldn’t handle any more so I only wanted to know good news.

She surprised me and said she finally had some.

My embryo was perfect. Genetically perfect.

Ready for transfer when we were.

I held Max’s hand and kissed him. I told the nurse who was looking after and I told my Mum.

I wish I could have told Max but he was in a coma. At that point in time I felt so alone, I had good news and I couldn’t even share it with him. I still whispered in his ear. I asked him later does he remember me telling him, he doesn’t.

Fast forward to 10/10/19.

I transferred a perfect “textbook” looking AA embryo.

I knew it was normal so already my chances were at 85%. Not 100% but certain,y closer than to 0%.

I had been through enough.

Surely if there was a God he would have seen that and realised we need a break.

I’ve held many hands during my 5 years of conceiving, I’ve seen people have 1 and go on to 2nd and 3rd babies, I watched people cry, I’ve been a shoulder to cry on, I’ve told people everything will be ok when really I don’t know, I’ve supported so many over the duration of 5 years. Why oh why can’t I catch a break? Maybe it’s my time.

I went to the transfer on my own, my first time ever! Max still not well enough to be with me.

I transferred this beautiful baby I called “Occy”. Transferred in October!

October as you know is pregnancy and infant awareness month. Ironic hey?

Max and I started to get so excited

I even found a rock that a friends daughter had painted. Surely had to be good luck?

Great line progression!

Went for bloods

HCG 83

Progesterone 83

You get the call “congratulations your pregnant”. To anyone that’s great. To me I knew something wasn’t right. I wasn’t happy. Call me sceptical, but I know my history and my anxiety kicks in.

More bloods

HCG down to 61

Instant heartbreak

Then the dreaded words “I’m so sorry”.

As I sit here now my body is waiting to miscarry.

Again

Number 6

My 6th miscarriage in 5 years!

My perfectly normal embryo. Still didn’t stick.

All meds I am on. Prednisone, aspirin, clexane, intralipids. My stomach is black and blue.

Why?

How can this happen again?

It makes no sense to me.

I’ve been tested for EVERYTHING. Everything you possibly can! I am ok

Eggs are ok, sperm is ok. Embryos “perfect”

My uterus! Fucked!

Who will willingly give me theirs. Go through all the heartache and birthing just to hand over a baby! No one. I don’t deserve that.

My uterus hates me.

My body hates me.

It just keeps rejected embryos.

Why I don’t know.

What’s next! Well who knows.

8 stim cycles

23 embryos transferred

6 miscarriages

4/6 of those normal

Meds to suppress all immune issues

If I do a donor round and pay upwards of $20,000 my body is likely to still reject that.

I’ve been offered donor embryos which I’m reluctant to say yes to because I feel my body would reject them also and I couldn’t bare the thought of a deserving family miss out when they could be happy while my body rejects it. So I’d rather give to someone more deserving than me.

Another Christmas not pregnant.

Another year, no baby.

Fuck you 2019. I thought 2017 was bad. 2019 is 1million times worse.

I sit outside with a red in hand writing this blog.

Wondering why I, complaining at all.

I have a house

I have an apartment

I have a loving husband who is alive

I have 2 beautiful dogs

I have an amazing family

I’m surrounded by so many IVF warriors who carry me through each heartache

I have Dr Kee Ong

I have Monash and the nurses

I have so many beautiful friends

I live in Queensland in a beautiful house

I have a great career

I’m still at uni!

You read all that and thing what am I whinging about? I ask myself the same question. I honestly don’t know. I have everything I want and need.

I don’t have what I desire.

I don’t have a family.

I don’t have a baby. So while materialistic I may have more, I don’t have the fulfilment of a baby.

Max and I are happy.

But what do we do now!

I’m so confused.

I’ll sit here and grieve my loss.

I’ll sit here and wait until I pass this embryo.

To think I’ll cramp, I’ll get pain and then I’ll watch it disappear into the toilet. Like a sick joke on me! But no ones laughing. I know the cramps will happen soon.

I know it’s going to be painful. Mentally and physically.

Emotionally I don’t even want to think about.

And then I’ll get back up and I’ll keep going.

I can basically write of 2019 and hope that 2020 will bring us more happiness.

Who knows what my future entails

I leave that up to Kee. The fertility God.

Our hopes and wishes again become a distant memory.

6 thoughts on “Is there really even a God?

  1. my heart is breaking for you beautiful lady, I am in tears, this year has completely sucked big time, so much sad news for many friends of mine, but I keep praying that you will get your rainbow baby, as you so deserve to, sending big hugs and lots of love. I will keep praying for 2020 to be your year xxxxxxxxxx

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  2. you are a remarkable lady strong loving and caring god if there’s one ???? hss something special for you i don’t know what it is but please stay strong you and max are my heroes love two both

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  3. My heart breaks for you darling Sam and Max.

    As I follow your journey, I wait for the good news. I have faith you will receive the good news you wish for xx

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  4. I’m sorry to read this.. Sending you love and hope the next attempt brings you success!
    Are you able to get a surrogate with your embryo?

    Like

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